feverish thoughts

familiar things make me feel warm and safe when I’m sick. i like the feel of the old afghan tucked tight up under my chin as i lie on the sofa trying hard to breathe. the warmth as it curls around my toes spreads to the inside and gives me hope that i may feel better one day.

my old slippers fit like they were sewn around my feet and i’ll never let them go as long as i live. my bathrobe of choice when sick is some kind of a used to be blue color but has deep pockets for lots of tissues and handkerchiefs. it keeps the world out and soothes my soul and somehow through thousands of washings has wisened into a rich old fabric of comfort.

i never tire of my two ‘feel good’ soups and guess what? neither of them are homemade. they are both campbell’s and carry me quickly back to warm lunches at the kitchen table while watching the snow whirl around in a fury during the coldest of chicago days. cream of tomato calls for eight saltines crumbled into the bowl while the chicken noodle can do with but six since it has the noodles. i’ve been known to go as high as twelve and ten but only on the hungriest of occasions and never when i’m sick.

old movies are a comfort with their familiarity and predictable endings – i whiled away a lazy sunday with one today. watching james dean move from wiry ranch hand to ‘eager to improve myself’ landowner to the sadness of an alcoholic oil baron, it was so easy to see how he became a legend. i’ve always thought giant was one of elizabeth taylor’s best. i found comfort in the words today and in the knowledge that all families are the same after all is said and done. the diversities and human emotions and reactions are so similar neverminding the circumstances surrounding the people involved. i saw much of me and my family in the benedicts.

my sons called more than once finding themselves quite perplexed when mom isn’t herself. it never seems to occur to them that i’m human and when my humaness rares its head it often finds them open-mouthed and speechless. i missed my grandson’s second birthday all the way around. we had plans for the entire week-end but i feel like a wrecker ball after the demolition and besides that i’m contagious. his bright red bicycle will have to wait for another day to see his utter delight as will we.

he was here last week-end and cried when he had to leave. he pounded the seat beside him in the truck and kept ordering me to get in and sit down not understanding in anyway at all why i could not go home with him and only knowing that he wanted me to. it broke my heart and made me feel good all at the same time. funny how little time it has taken him to steal my heart. i never even really put it up for grabs.

i have antibiotics, pain pills, eye drops and cough drops. if i time it just right and take them all together just before bedtime tonight then maybe i will sleep. that’s something i’ve had very little of this past week – sleep. i’ve missed it and the twilight you enter just before going there since that’s one of my favorite places to visit. my fingers are crossed for tonight.

i always appreciate health so much after being sick and always vow i will carry that appreciation with me each day. it tends to lose its edge though after a few days have past. i begin to take feeling good for granted once again and maybe that’s not altogether a bad thing. there are, after all, quite enough things to feel anxious and worried over in this world. maybe there’s no harm in taking just a few things for granted once in awhile. that your body will be there to get you through the next day. there will be food in the cupboard when you open the door. there will be a car to take you where you need to go. there will be air to breathe when you inhale and a sky to give you reason to cast your eyes upward.

i am appreciative of all these things though i don’t give voice to it each day. i feel it in my heart and the fulness that envelops me in that moment that is always mine alone when i see all there is for me to see. you know what i mean. we all have those moments when it all comes together, not that we could ever put words to it. it’s just a feeling we all share.

george has been there for me all week – calling from work to see how i am, encouraging me to stay in bed and do nothing, insisting that he will stay home to be with me, spending his precious saturday morning in the dr’s office waiting for me. doing all the chores at home all week so there would be nothing i had to think about. he just called up to see how i feel and to say that he was having a glass of wine. none for me i think, but i will go down and join him in the warmth of our little halo of light and try to put words to my feelings for him.