What IS

I read something the other day in quieted’s diary that fit me so well. She spoke of vulnerability and more to the point, she told us about the parts of her which made her feel vulnerable in such an open and unabashed way and I admired her so for it.

I just returned here from Anon’s diary. I read him almost daily, but don’t note, though I used to. Today he wrote about all the things he hates in himself. I see him so differently and wanted to tell him so. In my mind’s eye he is so very brave. His world is necessarily small and yet he feels it with so much love and compassion. I love the sheer joy he feels from such simple things. I often envy him the compartments of his life.

Blather is another who never shies away from what he is feeling and seems to forge ahead with sharing even when there is a chance it will turn people off – sometimes it does, but mostly I’ve come to love his heart and seem to be gaining an understanding of the way he expresses himself. I have seen his heart through his words.

There are many others I read and learn from – some of you know who you are but many don’t. The diaries I gravitate to are the ones which feel real to me. They talk of the things we all deal with every single day of our lives or at least similar to what we deal with in our own. Whatever, the feelings are the same. Some days they are in a happy, up mood – got the world on a string, everything looks wonderful. Another day may find them grateful for all they have and the people in their lives, seeing the beauty in their surroundings and being thankful to be part of this wonderful planet. Sadness creeps in on occasion as it does with all of us. Someone hurt them, intentionally or not, the hurt is the same. They lost someone dear to them either physically or mentally. Someone they love doesn’t love them back. We all know the makings of sadness. Again you stop in to find them mad or scared, in a flippant mood or a dark one. All the pages of life – that’s how I see them.

There is a page of my life that has vulnerability stamped all over it and the page is entitled My Sons. That’s certainly not my only vulnerable area, but for this lifetime, it has been my biggest challenge. One of my sons is married and his wife would be happy if I fell off the face of the earth. I know enough now to know it’s not personal – it’s not me she hates at all, but rather the fact that he loves me and shows it. I know it’s her insecurities and jealousy that drives her actions but still it is something that has crept into my relationship with my son and sits there like a big white elephant. Now there is a grandson to add to the equation and the manipulations have become even greater.

I am hoping that she will lose some of her insecurities and things will relax between us, but I’ve known her for ten years now and her life is an ongoing drama of problems with the people in her life and she rarely has any interaction with her own family. Part of me has to admit that things will just never be much different than they are right now and it absolutely scares me to death. Most of my dreams of my future life included my sons and their sons and their sons after them. Now I see a real chance that it won’t be the case, at least not in the way I had hoped and planned. Not that my son has changed his behavior in anyway, but the air is charged with uneasiness when we are all together and so it has become easier to just get together less frequently.

This falls under the category of one of those things you can do nothing about and I am seeking the elusive acceptance of the situation. It’s hard to let go of my conception of how my life would be and yet that’s what I need to do and then, in turn, embrace what my life IS.

I guess that’s what all of us are about though.