Just some thoughts…

I’m not wild about admitting this, but I throw little ‘hissy fits’ on the golf course. They aren’t loud and not noticeably physical but rather surpressed foul language escaping between clenched teeth as my face slips and slides into all manner of strange contortions and my eyes retreat into small and narrow slits of anger as I shove my club back into its slot. God help George if he attempts a word of advice…though its not necessary to even say those words because he learned that lesson a long time ago. I am assaulted by hot flashes and I can literally hear the blood rushing through my head. I declare my hatred for the game over and over as I determindly steer myself toward the next tee box, knowing all the while that I am acting like an idiot and further damaging the remainder of my game – not to mention all the negative karma I’m spreading throughout the Universe which will return to me tenfold. That’s me and I’m not proud of it.

Picture this if you can – it’s George’s rendition of a hissy-fit. Bad swing, ball scoots across the green at 90 mph then exits the opposite side and rolls down a 10 foot embankment. George is ripe for his hissy-fit and slowly he drops his chin to his chest and holds the pose for about five seconds. That’s it. There’s no cusswords, no clenching of teeth, no muttered obsenities, no ramrod stiff march to next position. Chin drops to chest – period.

This little scenario pretty much sums up our different approaches to life. Everything is life or death to me – everything matters. I don’t choose my battles, I just take them all on. I have to make everything right and do everything perfectly. Nothing should be average, it should be the best. Not just the best I can do…the best, period.

I notice every little thing in life and allow it all to lay claim to my interest. I can get lost in a blade of grass without the benefit of smoking any. I watch the birds in my backyard for very long periods of time, some I recognize on sight. I analyze all of my thoughts and anybody else’s I can get ahold of. Sometimes I even remind myself that I need to be worrying about this or that. I am always busy and often feel overwhelmed by the daunting responsibilities I create for myself.

George approaches life from a very different highway in a very determined manner and one step at a time. He is the ultimate at putting one foot in front of the other and continually moving forward through the maze of whatever lies ahead. No complaint, no moaning and groaning or gnashing of teeth, just very deliberately moving forward – one step at a time. I am beside him screaming all the way flailing my arms about and proclaiming injustices I encounter along the way as I vow to do all in my power to make them right.

Life would be lighter if I just didn’t get so absorbed, care too much about too many things and use all my energy trying to stave off the inevitable. Before I had the benefit of my current wisdom I believed other people just didn’t get it…now I know that it’s me who often doesn’t get it. I wear the world on my shoulders like a shroud and it’s way too heavy. I immobilize myself.

Enough of this.