This Little Light of Mine
I usually won’t write when I’m sad. I don’t like to put that on anyone else. Guess I’d rather deal with it on my own and wait for it to go away. Tonight I’m sad and I feel like writing. The first obvious question would be to ask why I am sad. That would be hard to answer at this point. I guess I’ll just say that a series of circumstances occured today to jerk me back to 10 years old and helpless. Feeling scared and small and seeing the world as so very big.
I don’t go here often – thank God. I used to live here. It used to take up most all of my time. I have volumes of poetry and slices of life that I wrote during those times – so black. On the few occasions I’ve retreated and allowed myself to read, I’ve wondered how I kept from killing myself. Surely, I couldn’t have been as down, depressed, hopeless and forsaken as I sounded. Yet, as I write these words, I know that I truly was. There’a a hair-trigger on my mental balance and it takes most of my energy, most days to keep myself in tune. I don’t think about it alot, because it’s become second nature. It’s just what I do to survive.
I can be okay most of the time, as long as I feel loved. There are a few key people in my life from whom I need it. As long as they are coming through loud and clear, then I’m pretty much okay. When they aren’t…like now…well, I get feeling pretty desperate.
What I would most like to do right now is get in the car with a few things and just start driving. That’s how I always feel when these feelings overtake me. I just want to GO – somewhere…and nowhere. I’ve tried it a couple of times, but never got more than 20 miles or so from home and then turned around. I always think it through to the obvious outcome and go back. I wish I wouldn’t do that.
At various times, I’ve seen myself driving into the wild blue yonder (it’s always summer) and ending up in some small, never heard of town in Maine or Vermont. There’s always water. I take a small apartment over someone’s garage – there’s always a beautiful yard and the people are always loving, warm and so protective and caring of me. I get a job in a small bookstore and make friends slowly. I have no history – none offered and no one ever asks. I walk to work, walk home,have quiet dinners, a glass of wine, write alot…all so simple. I wonder if anyone’s ever really been able to do that and get away with it.
Ah well, knowing me – I’ll stay right where I am, buck it up tomorrow and continue on. These feelings will get buried once more and I’ll go to the gym, cook dinner, visit OD+, etc…………
Sometimes I wonder how many of us have secret shelves where we stow away our fears and our hurts and our rage.
I wonder if I’ll return later and delete this entry. I think it would be a good thing if I didn’t, because it’s a window that’s usually dark and tonight there’s a little light on…if anyone happens to walk by.
I think we all have shelves and sometimes we just need to go and rearrange the stuff once in awhile and dust them off, just to make sure that they’re still there. Bad times always pass.
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You can delete the entry, but not the feelings that created it. One of the coolest things about having a long diary history is to look back and see where you were. Reinventing oneself is not a bad thing, the trick is to do it in your present life. That’s what I’ve done … and it’s hard, but oh, so worth it. Besides, Vermont and Maine are wicked cold. ++
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Good morning patalija, I saw the light was on so I stopped for a cuppa. Ahh, lets just sit here quietly, and then we can talk. Very insightful words, sometimes the sad times are the most self revealing, at least to me. Hope you have a good day, I woke up early because my day ahead is already making me feel stressed. Flight is usually my choice, but I never really acted on that choice. Love
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Having just come off of a two week backache and desperate ache to sell everything and move to, um, Arizona, maybe, where I would paint and bask in the sun and never ever feel this bad again… Um, don’t delete the entry. The people who love and support you do so of the whole you, depressive lout as much as glorious person. (Or so mine keep telling me.) Just feel better soon.
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Don’t delete it. Your not isolated in feeling like that. I guess many of us have had periods just as you describe. Mine were in my 30s. It’s a superb piece, you must keep it. Like the new diary style, its very nice. Hugs
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my little town used to be in Idaho. i held out and didn’t go. but i would imagine it must as you describe it too. my life now has many of those qualities. thanks for reminding me.
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Have you ever read any Ann Tyler books? She writes about women who do exactly what you are talking about. Of course it never works out for them. Thier troubles always seem to follow them wherever they go.
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I really understand that feeling of a few important people whose love you need. I agree with the others-don’t delete the entry. It’s part of the picture of you-for yourself and others. Hope things are looking better today.
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I did it. I moved to a small Oregon coastal town where I knew no one, lived an isolated life filled with strangers, and got a desperately underpaid job that allowed me to scrape by if I didn’t buy a tube of lipstick or a mazazine. I was so depressed that I didn’t write a thing. I thought disposing my former identity would liberate me. It just made me anxious and lonely for myself. Hang on 🙂
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no, don’t…i know the feelings, but haven’t until now seen such a lovely fantasy. next time i need one (fantasy) for my days like that, may i borrow yours? good to see you again
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Oooo, Patalija. You are loved in many different ways by many more people than you physically know. But, I happen to believe in road trips for alterations in perspective. And, I love drifting into a community with no connections for the adventure. At times when it is impossible to jump in the car I bet you could leap though your keyboard to that little town in Vermont for many wonderful tales.
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I think many of us have secret shelves. From my brief journey into your life, it sounds as though many, many people & creatures love you very much. I hope that helps comfort you on days like today. hugs,
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Oh my I could have written this except I’ve never suffered long from depression. But I’ve written entries both on running away, a constant fantasy I have and on not sharing my sad times. I’ve written about blue times a few times but I think I’ve always ended up putting them on private. Only thing is I don’t have a love of my own. That is what most of my blue moments are about.
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The more I read, the more I realize how much I’m not alone in the way I feel about things. I’m bi-polar and for years did not know it and went without any medication. I know that edge you’re talking about well. I’ve been that depressed and just wanting to GO that you speak of. Thank you for sharing that entry.
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When you brave the elements of self you often find there is candle in the window for you. *lighting my candle*
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I know those feelings well…and all the attempts to survive them!
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AbbyRose here mentions being bipolar. Another diarist, Solitare, has had bouts with depression like that–at earlier times almost suicidal. But with a lot of reading-up on it and medication from a good doctor, she has it well in hand
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