portland-austin-portland-alaska

I’m on the austin-portland leg of that journey. austin was completely incredible.

i’ve cooked with my aunt for buddhist retreats before but this time i was the boss and i am really, really proud of the work we did. alex was my assistant. we worked so well together. we communicated so fluently. we both worked our asses off. we made really fucking good food. we became very close to the “inner circle” of the dzogchen foundation. we were asked to cook for all the retreats forever. we were told by a man who has been attending retreats for 30 years and who never really says much to me and at prior retreats i’ve helped cook at i noticed he often brought his own food and skipped meals, “this is the best retreat food i have ever eaten.” we were asked for recipes constantly, which i felt slightly bad about because i don’t use them and could only give people vague descriptions of what i’d done with much sweeping of arms and pinching of fingers and stirring of hands.

and we went to chanting groups and meditation sessions.

i became a buddhist, i guess. i took refuge in the buddha, the dharma and the sangha. i feel shy about saying that. i’ve never been a _______ before. i didn’t grow up as a christian or anything. but i believe in this. i believe in it for the betterment of my own life and for the betterment of the lives of people i love (by result of my own practice) and the world. all sentient beings, to be specific. it resonates. it’s powerful. it’s helping me cultivate patience, lovingkindness, generosity, mindfulness.

it feels like portland was a deviation from my path but now i am back on it.

it was a nice side trip, portland. but i am happy to feel like my feet are connecting with something i believe in again.

now i am in the denver airport, flying to portland in an hour. tomorrow alex and i will get into our motorhome and drive to alaska. i start work on the 8th of june. i’m going to be canoeing all summer. it’s going to rain a lot. i really don’t know what it’s going to be like, i have a lot of false assumptions in my mind and probably some true ones but i know that i am nervously looking forward to it.

i am more in love with alex than i have ever been. i’ve been seeing him as he is instead of measuring him up to what “i want him to be” and he is so truly beautiful and wonderful as he is! he is kind and caring and thinks of others and he’s so helpful and he believes in me and he’s willing to try scary and hard things and i am really proud of him.

i got a deep tissue massage after the retreat and of course it was amazing. the woman who did it recommended we try “cupping” and acupuncture so we did, yesterday. cupping is something where they change the pressure in glass jars by sticking a lit match on them and then stick them onto “the affected area” and it sucks all of your blood into that part of your skin/body. therefore i have six 2-inch diameter perfectly round “hickeys” all over my back. it looks like i was embraced by an octopus. i am wearing a low shirt and children are staring. the acupuncture was really mellow. tiny needles, one each in my feet, hands, arms, and legs. and then laying back in a very comfortable easy chair in a candlelit room with other people with other varieties of needles stuck in them for about an hour. i fell asleep. i meditated. i radiated love and healing into my father. i hope he felt it. he is killing himself with alcohol. his legs are so thin. he has always had very strong and shapely legs. they aren’t anymore. he doesn’t eat anything. i want him to want to live.

not sure how i feel about acupuncture, it was pleasant enough but as for effects? well, i just don’t know.

we might move to boulder in the fall and live near our buddhist friends. i have known these people for many years, alex just met them. seeing them again felt like coming home. when i’m around them i am my best self. the most humble, and skillful, and generous, and loving person. it’s who i want to be.

i hope against hope i can hold onto that person while i’m with the kids this summer in alaska. they need that person.

i need that person.

<3clea