lonely lost confused

oh god what the hell am i doing here. it’s really actually time to start thinking about what it is that i’m going to do for the rest of my life and all i can think of is suws. i just want to go back to a place where i feel like i belong. i haven’t felt like that at all here. nothing fits right. i just have the weirdest vibes and i keep moving around which isn’t a very good way to meet people, i know, but i just want to find a place that feels right and it seems impossible. there’s a man sitting beside me and he types with just his pointer fingers and pushes so damned hard on the keys and it is driving me crazy even though it reminds me of the way robin types which also really drove me crazy.

it just doesn’t feel like being here is making anything more clear. i don’t have any goals. i’m thinking about going to guatemala for a month or so in the interest of learning spanish at an immersion school but that sounds scary and difficult and to be honest i just want to be home. home at suws. with robin. but even if i went back to america right now i’m almost sure that robin wouldn’t be interested in getting back together with me because he’s working really hard at figuring out his life/himself from an independent perspective and that’s really important to him but to me that just feels like, oh, well, he doesn’t want to be with you at all actually but that’s probably not really what it’s like but it’s so easy to think and feel that way.

i just feel more lost than i ever have. there’s no plans, this is the time in my life where i’m “supposed” to be coming up with a career and starting on that so i can support myself for the rest of my life but it isn’t just about money it’s about feeling like i’m giving something to the world and fulfilling my existence here on earth as a human being and holy shit how do you go about doing all of that when you can’t even fucking decide what you want to do for the next week?

i’ve been living on the yacht in the marina here, waiting to take off for fiji and it’s just been me and steve and instead of things getting less awkward as the days progressed they got more awkward and yesterday the boat owner joined us on the boat and steve is gone for tonight so it will just be me and alex (the boat owner) and i don’t feel extremely comfortable with him so i just think it’s going to be really awkward because i’m a terrible conversationalist and i just want to hide and disappear because i’m not going to sail to fiji with these guys at all because it’s apparently the beginning of cyclone season and they seem sort of ill-prepared and idiotic and as much as it would be wonderful to go on some crazy adventure voyage, i don’t want it to be with these people who are kind and have good hearts but just in general not the sort of people i want to be trapped on a boat/small island with for the next month of my life.

so i have to figure out a way to gracefully extricate myself from that entire situation and find a place that i actually want to be here in new zealand. and i am going to at least wait until my friend ben comes to visit me here (which will be for three weeks, starting on january 27th) before i make any decisions about just straight up leaving, giving up, trying something different.

oh god, now the guy next to me is looking at internet porn. WHO DOES THAT in a public internet cafe?

i don’t know. who knows? right now something that sounds really nice is renting an apartment where i have my very own room, goign to the grocery store every day (walking) and eating really simple meals and forcing myself to write fiction/nonfiction/something that people other than me actually want to read that isn’t just me bitching about my life. i think that’s probably, actually, what i need to do. i just hope i have enough money to be able to sustain myself through ben’s visit if that’s truly what i’m choosing to do.

ok.

i think i’m going to try to move to kaikoura. the coffee’s shit but the vibe is good, the scenery is beautiful, and hopefully i can find a place to rent that isn’t overly much.

blat.