manitou

I wish I had enough lives to love every boy I’ve ever loved and live with them and play with them and see how it all turned out. I had car sex today, like a teenager, on a road with traffic and a view, with a 34 year old man. It was nice. Amazing. And I don’t know if I’m ever going to see this person again, which sucks because we have this insane connection that all started with some eye contact at a bar.

He was surprised at how long I held eye contact with him for. And he couldn’t stop thinking about me for two days, until I saw him again and we made speech contact and then mouth contact and then genital contact and I’ve spent a lot of time with him in the last week but I don’t foresee myself coming back to Manitou Springs any time before I leave for New Zealand so why would I see him again? But it felt right and sweet and wonderful and he’s not been sleeping because he’d rather spend time knowing what it feels like to have me in his arms and he told me he’ll be sad after I leave and that I made him remember a lot of things that he’s forgotten and also that when he’s with me he knows how it feels to miss someone who’s sitting right next to you and he likes that feeling and I do, too, until it gets to the part where you’re not with that person and missing them.

I have strong hands. I’m ready to go back into the desert because I slept in a car and woke up to frosty sleeping bags and windows and it made me miss my work and I can’t wait to see what it will throw at me next. I’m going to be working four out of the next five weeks. That is a long time to be spending in the desert with no contact with the outside world. I get five days in between there to not be working and I’m spending it with this boy who I was having phone conversations with and he likes talking to me and he has this amazing energy that I am incredibly attracted to. He has this giant sense of wonder about the world and we might go caving in Oregon together which of course I’m excited for. I thought I was excited to have some sexual contact with him but now I’m really confused and I just wish, like I said before, that I had enough lives to spend each with a different lover, because you know what? The lover you choose changes the course of your life drastically. That person becomes your partner, no matter what you do they will be factored in and that changes so much.

He’s an artist. He can sing. He reads me well. I can always tell what he’s thinking. He’s a mountain man. Hell, he’s a man. I miss him. At this point I feel like I need to see him again. Like if I don’t I’ll be cheating myself. There were a few moments, perhaps three or four in the past week, when I loved him.

<3clea