last night, an Urkel saved my life

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Like most reasonable people, when i heard that a sequel to SLC Punk! was being made, my first reaction was that it had to be an April Fool’s Day joke. Then i realized that it might be for real. And i thought, ugh, that’s sure to be horrible. If it takes place 18 years after the first one, wouldn’t that mean that it’s set around 2001 and the Bush era? That’s dated as all hell…

…but now, i say fuck it, bring it on. Sure, it might very well be a titanic misfire, or at the very least bland and unnecessary. But you never know. I’m sure that years ago, people were all, like, “how can you have a second Godfather movie? Don Corleone is dead! The second Star Wars movie can’t possibly recapture the thrill of the first one. What, did you say that Schwarzenegger is going to play the Terminator again? Ugh, what a pointless rehash and cynical cash-grab, it’s sure to suck worse than anything.”

All i’m saying is, you never know.

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Every once in a while, i’ll still flip to the conservative station, just to check in on the loonies. Over there, in their alternate reality, three things are certain.

Barack Obama stole the election. He just did, case closed.

Global warming? Disproven. Forever. Everyone knows that.

The economy is a house of cards one minute away from total meltdown, we’re on the brink of a catastrophe so horrendous that it will make the collapse of 2008 look like a picnic; start stockpiling rice and ammo, people, these are the end times. That being said, if you can’t find a job, you’re just a pathetic loser who hates work because you’re lazy and dumb.

Just making sure they’re where we left them.

Over on DeviantArt, people have been taking me to task and demanding why i don’t complain about liberals the same way as i complain about conservatives, do i not realize that all partisanship is evil? Don’t you realize that we must accept all viewpoints? Don’t you see that the people for gay marriage and the people against it are totally the same, in a cosmic sense? My response is this — when conservatives go to far, we get war. When liberals go to far, we get… uhh, expensive healthcare? Too much art funding?

Also… i don’t encounter any liberals these days. In Tennessee, they’re not in the streets and not on the radio. The last time i remember being annoyed by a liberal was about 12 years ago in college, when i was in an english class with some curly-haired douchebag who was the most pretentious, whiny, entitled sack of crap ever. Since then, nothing.

Conservatives these days don’t even know what they believe anymore. All it took was one president with a foreign name to change them all from authoritarians to anarchists. I mean, the jobs report this month was dismal, and they’re gloating about it…

See! We told you Obama was going to wreck the economy! He allowed the sequester to happen, and the sudden reduction in government spending cost us jobs! Because what’s hurting the economy is too much government spending! The only way to bring back jobs is by radically slashing government spending. Oh, god, the Army base over in Crocketsville just laid off 150 contractors, and now they’re unemployed, all because Obama cut government spending! WHY?

I don’t even know what.

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Speaking of Tennessee, did you know that we almost got rid of our archaic restrictions on wine, but the sponsor of the bill changed his vote at the last minute? See, in this state, grocery stores can sell beer and that’s it. All liquor and wine and related spirits can only be sold in liquor stores, and the liquor stores can sell only liquor and nothing else, no chips or glasses or corkscrews, just the sauce. Every year or so, they try to pass a bill that would change that, and it always fails because…. Jesus? I don’t know. No one knows.

It’ll change one day. We finally got the lottery, after all. Change is gonna come.

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Oh, god.

Spring happened today.

Seasons change ovenight. Last night was the last chilly night. Today, everything is blooming and warm. The change is unbelievable. Spring is okay, but that means that summer is like two weeks away. And i fear it. Before i know it, the 7-day forecast will be nothing but a repeating graphic of an angry yellow sun with the words “Hi:100 Lo:78” and it will stay that way for months. And i’ll crave the cold so much that i’ll open up the freezer and stick my face in and think, oh god, it used to feel like that outside.

Six months until October.

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Now that i have a smartphone, the next step is to learn to ignore it.