the all-kill protocol

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Hmmm.

Hey, Sargasm!

I’ll be honest. I can’t really remember very much about you. But i’m happy that you apparently still check up on me from time to time, and gain something from my rambling life. And i hope you are doing well. At least in general.

^____-

In other news, damn, i’m busy. Busy drawing. I have more people paying me to draw things than ever before. As soon as i get done with one commission, two more people queue up at the back of the line. I really hate telling people that they have to wait 3 weeks before i can even start on their nerdy thing.

My point is that i’m too busy to do everything. Back when i was still at KRH, i would “help” Miss Milliken with her online english tests, by which i mean i would just do them for her, netting her a 90 or a 100 every time. So now, she just texted me and said she needs me to write three essays for her, tout de suite. I don’t mean to be rude, but damn, woman, i don’t have the time. Especially if we’re talking footnotes and works cited pages.

Yaaaaaargh.

I’m discombobulated.

I just woke up, and remembered that they called me and asked me to work overtime tonight at some place called “Manheim.” Manheim? Steamroller? I asked if it was a Metro post, and they said yes, it’s brand new or something. And i guess i turned them down. My head was groggy and i didn’t even know who i was fucking talking to. I kind of regret that now. I could be making money tonight. Gah, i’ve turned into a wuss, and have gotten way too used to having two days off. I wish they could ask me to accept new challenges when i’m at work and awake, not when i’ve been asleep for two hours and am at my most nekkid & vulnerable.

Wait, Manheim? That’s the place that Robert Smith just transferred to. Damn, i really should have gone. What is WRONG with me.

Yeah, we lost Robert Smith after two weeks. It’s a tragedy. The search for a new night shift supervisor begins anew. There’s no cure for what ails this company. I can’t believe how weird everything feels. When is the contract up? October or December? What is going to happen?

Eh, at least i got three hours of overtime last night — i came in early to relieve R. Kelly, who was sick and had to go home. I asked jokingly if he barfed on the floor maybe, and he said, yes, in fact he did.

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I gotta go back to the store. I forgot to get potatoes and dog food. I want to make some kind of baked abomination out of chicken breasts, Stove Top stuffing, and those fancy peas what have the mushrooms and pearl onions in them.

And some gravy. Yeah.

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I sure do miss KRH at times. It’s so much prettier and more interesting than the Stone Ring. There have been at least two chances for me to transfer back there, but i can’t bring myself to do it. Mostly because Muna and Dahir are way, way cooler to work with than Lewis and Ol’Jimmy, both of whom are incapable of not talking for longer than ten seconds. Lewis, in particular, can be very annoying and pushy. The other day, he kept texting me and INSISTING that i go see that new Bourne movie… even though i’ve never seen the first three. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that John and i were just recently riffing on how much we hate seeing the trailer for the damn thing all the time…

You think Jason Bourne was the whole story? Think again! Wait, who’s this guy? He’s AARON CROSS. His name has the same number of syllables as Jason Bourne. Look at this footage we have of him ripping an awesome wheelie on a motorcycle. Vroom-ma-ma-ma!

Aaron Cross can kill a man in 3.5 seconds. Kick, spin, chop to the neck. Since he’s been active for almost 48 hours, we have to assume that he’s killed approximately 49,371 people by now. In response, we are rescinding Protocol 5 and putting Protocol 7 into play. It’s the all-kill protocol. This means that we’re going to kill everybody like the last three times. The problem is that Aaron Cross doesn’t like to be killed and is going to try and kill us back.

Aaron Cross’s actions cannot be predicted. What we know is this; at some point on his flight he will meet an attractive woman and they will save each other’s lives and fall in love. But he might have to leave her in order to protect her life. A French cafe will be involved.

Alert!

Aaron Cross was spotted in Philadelphia just hours after Deputy Director Helms found a large, steaming turd on his desk. I don’t think we have to wait for the lab boys to tell us that loaf was left by none other than Aaron Cross. There’s no telling who is next. In fact, he may return and leave another loaf on the same desk, because we have no idea of the magnitude of Aaron Cross’s amnesia. He may not even remember that he HAS amnesia.

You can be assured that i am going to kill Aaron Cross and anyone else around him because it’s necessary to protect my country. But if it turns out I have clandestine ties to shady Middle Eastern powers and oil billionaires, well, I wouldn’t be entirely surprised. If we do not achieve maximum deniability, gentlemen, we stand to face a shakycam extravaganza of unprecedented proportions.

^__^

I wish that me, Muna, Dahir, and Kelly could all transfer to KRH together. We would own that shit.

I gave Muna a few rides home last week, and damn, she lives in a nice damned neighborhood. Large houses, rolling hills, tennis courts. I’ve never lived in a suburb. It looks pretty sweet.

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My brother is steadily ceasing to be a motorcycle nut and becoming a gun nut. He had two pistols, and just bought a rifle and a shotgun. And every time he buys one, he starts talking about the next one he wants. And he always watches that one gun reality program that has the hot blonde chick on it.

Meh.

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As an aspiring artist, one of my great inspirations is Rob Liefield. Behold this example of his work…

…see that crap?

The guy who drew that swill makes millions of dollars a year. He’s one of the most successful comic artists ever. And he can’t draw for shit. And that pic wasn’t some amateur thing he dashed off when he was a teenager, that’s something that he submitted to a major company in exchange for actual currency.

If someone that bad can make it, there’s hope for me. There’s hope for anyone. Everything about that drawing sucks, but look closer at their waists. Look how skinny their waists actually are. It boggles the fucking mind. If you ever have time to kill and want a laugh, google “40 Worst Rob Liefield Drawings.” It’s a hoot.

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Ugh.

I was only able to listen to about 15 minutes of the Republican convention before flipping it off. Listening to Ann Romney try to convince me that she and Mitt went through such lean times despite being the children of millionaires, and hearing the morbidly obese Chris Christie bellow that Americans need to tighten their belts (while his party refuses to cut one cent from the defense budget or increase taxes by one cent on the rich) is just a little too much for me.

Can’t do it.

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