Some days

Some days I am ok, and I just plod along to my tasks, my deficits laying the shadows keeping quiet as I go about my normal routine.

Other days like yesterday I stumble, thoughts arranging themselves in my head, an onslaught of permutations of how/what if/if I…, things which get me in trouble. I don’t want trouble, I just want my life back. It has been missing so long I’m not sure what it looks like, feels like. Often I stumble in trying to put a face on it, something which I can say is the right thing.

Then I think about my kids and how much time I’m losing when i have to head out to meetings 3 times a week. 
My son is very aware that daddy goes out at night and even asked me on Wednesday a day which I am home "who’s babysitting me tonight?"

It crushed me.

I don’t want to lose any more time with him, or little Ella.

Ok, enough of me for now.