Foot in mouth.

So things here haven’t been 100%, not that this is any surprise but the house ownership came up again.  Namely, Nina asking to be on the deed & mortgage. My parents when they helped us out with the house were on the mortgage and I was in on the deed with them. Nina although sitting there at the closing was not. We were not yet married. Anyhow, sunday dinner comes along and Nina and I make the decision to go shopping that evening for a baby bicycle cart, you know the kind that attaches to the bike and you pull it along.

So I bring this up to my parents, but not before my mom asks why Nina hasn’t been over for Sunday dinner and she just says to me "What have we done that she doesn’t want to come over?". This digresses quickly. Very quickly. I mention at that moment, the WRONG moment about getting Nina on the deed. Now my father opined that if she wanted to be on the deed her parents should’ve put in at the time of the purchase of the home so we’d have less of a burden.

My mother and Nina have not been seeing eye to eye and my mother feels as if there is a lack of respect from her so this asking about the deed is percieved as a slap in the face.

My father ultimately said if that is what we want to apply for a loan and to take on the balance of the mortgage and that he can get his name and my mother’s off the paperwork.

My mom just nodded and says that after that is done they’ll sell the house and move back to Italy.

I shot back without pause that was not happening, we both know this, she wouldn’t want to be away from little Joe.

I am heated and confused by the end of this conversation, torn between my family and my wife. I storm out of the house and just walk through the neighborhood along the border with the park. I then get on the phone with Nina, discussion occurs, this discussion becomes heated and when I get angry and upset I don’t play fair, dammnit I play downright dirty. It is not the best version of me and I really wasn’t even going to mention it here. But this is my diary and I have to be honest here.

The verbal slugfest is mine to be had then I make the statement which as it comes out I can only think, "god what have I done". I basically made a statement saying that she’ll never been number one and that my family is number one.

Yes, I know I fucked up.

I’m still trying to get the elephant foot out of my mouth.

We yelled/spoke that evening after getting back from the sporting goods store as they didn’t have the right model. 

Things still aren’t right but we are looking into counseling, I’m not sure what will come of it but I’m hoping something.

I made the effort to get a list of psychologists together and e-mailed them to her, I said that we didn’t have to pick from those I selected but at least it was a start.

I know I’m not perfect and I don’t know exactly how to make this right. It’s going to take me some time to show my wife her importance in my life.

Ok. This is it for now.