angry confessions
confessions (angry and boring)
*Every morning, after taking my temp and going to the bathroom, I cry. Because I know I’m not pregnant. And I don’t know why I want this so bad so much right NOW, but I do. and unless you’re trying the same as I, you may not understand. I can’t explain it to you. I can’t make anyone understand who doesn’t already. I don’t want people to try and tell me statistics anymore. I don’t care about them. This is me right now. I’m not just a number and I don’t care how many people had to do this before me. Does that make me terrible? Maybe. I just feel doomed. I’ve had two amazing healthy children, why can’t I just be happy with that? Ugh. just ignore me.
*I feel empty. Hollowed out. Cored like an apple or a pumpkin ready for carving. I’m just empty. That is why I know for sure I’m not pregnant, even though I haven’t started my period yet. I know my body well enough to know that if I was, I’d feel at least SOMETHING, but there is nothing. Plus, since I’ve taken even more notice of how I feel during this time of the month, it’s the same as it ever was. I truly believe when I get pregnant, something will change.
*The back aches and leg cramps and headache really make all this worse. It really makes me want to stop trying. But I can’t. I guess I’m addicted to having a baby now. I won’t be able to kick it until I have that little baby Torres in my arms.
*Even though I want this baby more than anything, a little voice keeps telling me how hard it’s going to be. I’ve got two BIG kids now. they don’t need constant attention, diaper changes, bottles, child proofing. It’s going to be like I never had a baby before. I have to learn everything all over again. Damn.
*As much as I don’t have any reason for it, I truly believe something is going to be wrong with me. Whether it be PCOS or something else wrong with my ovaries or the tubes, something is going to be wrong. My erratic cycles, pains, and the rest just have me truly believing something is going to be wrong with me. I guess I’ll find out.
*I am mad at myself because I’m not taking vitamins and all that. Good mothers to be start prepping their bodies early. I’m not doing shit. What does that make me?
*I am really mad at my weight. I need to lose a good 40 pounds. If I get pregnant now, I’ll probably peak around 200+ near the end. That would terrify me. I’ve never been that big. I’m a short small boned person. I’m not meant to carry that weight. I have to diet but it’s like telling a fish to breathe on land. I’m just not equipped for it. I am equipped to get into a home exercise pattern if I’d just get off my ass and do it. I’m always waiting for some fucking IDEAL circumstances, for my living room to be clean, for my husband to motivate me. It’s all a crock a shit. I’m just lazy. I DO NOT WANT TO BE PREGNANT CHIC ANYMORE. My body looks like it is going to have a baby. How can I be mad at people asking how far along I am when I agree I look fucking ready to pop.
I’m the weight I was when I had my children and there is nobody to blame but me. I’m a fucking cow and I hate myself.
*Writing this entry makes me sick. I hate writing entries like this.
*I have to do training today and I don’t want to. I’m sick of saying the same damn things. I got FOUR MORE SESSIONS added and I could just pull my hair out. I want to scream.
*I don’t have any breakfast today. I hope I can make it through the class without an embarrasing stomach growl.
*I’m far too happy today is thurfriday. Evne though I have to run errands and CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN tomorrow, at least I won’t be here.
*I’m sick to death of everything. I’m so angry these days. No wonder I can’t get pregnant. What baby wants to be living inside of me when I’m so stupid? blah.
*I’m a bitch.
I’m gonna go before I say anything else stupid about myself.
I’ll try to come back later less angry.
what a way to start the day.
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*HUGS* I wish I could give you a real hug. <3 Annie-Rae
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I love you. I know things are rough right now. I would never, ever treat you like a statistic. This is your body and your life…it’s serious. All I can say is that I know it will happen and that things will get better. I just wish i knew when… Oh! I’m also using this awesome program on my iPhone that counts cals. I love it! I can share info if you’d like. Love love love.
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I thought my note would not be well received, I tried to stay positive, I kind of thought talking about two people that have it really tough would give you a lot of hope. I don’t really know what to say, perhaps this is something you just want to be upset about and anyone saying anything positive or negative will just make you upset? That friend that I had that flipped out on me because Ihad things that she really wanted? I’m worried I’m going to say something wrong and you’ll get mad at me like she did. Hope tomorrow is a better day.
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Oh now listen… it does sound a bit like the blues. We all have piece of shit mornings and days we feel less than ideally equipped for whatever we’re on- yours just fell simultaneously. You need to have some rose hip tea go shoe shopping. Be glad you are made for babymaking and indulge your Feminine. Create the environment ya know? ((hugs)) You defintely don’t suck.
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*hugs*
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When you want something so bad and it takes work to get it…it is hard, it’s draining but its also exciting and new and different. You got this beautiful!
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*hugs* It’s okay to be frustrated. For dieting, try not calling it a diet. The word diet just makes it instantly sound like torture. Call it a lifestyle change (in order to eat and be healthy, not to lose weight) and then make friends with fruits, veggies, whole grains, and lean meats when possible. This is of course not always possible since eating healthy costs more. I won’t even go into what I think of that one. Remember all things in moderation. If you are craving a peanut butter cookie, have one. Sometimes you just have to have what you want. If you’re eating well the rest of the time, it won’t hurt you when you splurge on occasion. Not cheat, cheating is for dieters and remember you aren’t dieting. As far as exercise, I am no help. I have a million of my own excuse why we own a pretty much unused exercise bike… Oops. As for the baby thing, I truly believe it will happen for you. It may just take some time. I know that isn’t what you want to hear, and I’m sorry. Be patient, relax and let things happen.
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HUGS
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**hugs** <3
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You won’t be the first and you won’t be the last to do it honey. Hugs.
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aw, you are not a bitch. my best friend has been trying to get pregnant for months and nothing yet. though, she isn’t checking ovulation stuff yet. it’s super frustrating and it’s totally OK to vent in an entry like this. *hugs* and you are a great mom. when that baby comes you’re going to be fantastic.
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Maybe you’ll get pregnant and lose weight. That has happened to me. It wasnt so much that it made a difference to the baby, but all the extra weight was transferred to baby weight. You never know!
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I know it’s hard. I was trying to get pregnant a couple of years ago and I felt the same way. I’m still not pregnant so I know something is wrong with me, I just don’t know what it is. It’s so confusing, I have two children in which I had no problems getting pregnant with before, unplanned might I add. Now that I want to plan one I can’t??? Makes no sense. I’m sorry, I can definitely relate.
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I know it’s hard. I was trying to get pregnant a couple of years ago and I felt the same way. I’m still not pregnant so I know something is wrong with me, I just don’t know what it is. It’s so confusing, I have two children in which I had no problems getting pregnant with before, unplanned might I add. Now that I want to plan one I can’t??? Makes no sense. I’m sorry, I can definitely relate.
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