Dear Best-Penis,

Why are you emailing me? I do not need to have my penis enlarged because I do not have a penis. And if I did have one, it would be just the right size to please all the ladayz, so your email would be in vain. Tell me, best-penis, if you WERE the best, why would you need to email me? Wouldn’t I already know?

Wouldn’t you have a television show, maybe prime time or an afternoon talk show? Wouldn’t Oprah have invited you during her last season on the air? Wouldn’t you be a guest judge on a cooking competition show and perhaps a secret celebrity on reality tv? Wouldn’t you be on the gossip sites, exposing your best-ness for all to see?

Pray, best-penis, if you really were all you say you were, why did you end up in my spam folder? Why aren’t we best friends? Why don’t I email you every day and send you texts when I’m doing something interesting? You’re not on my friends list on facebook, best-penis, so what is up with that? Will you help me with my cafe world quests, best-penis? You never click on my requests for croutons!

So, best-penis, I think you’re a liar. You’re not the best at anything but lying your penis off. And if you don’t have a penis, you can’t call yourself the best-penis.

No, you should call yourself the WORST WITHOUT PENIS, because then I might believe you. I might open your email curiously and see where the link goes. I might revel in your phishing scam, spyware, malware, trojan virus apocalypse that you unleash on my computer. I might give you my credit card number willingly to order a mysterious "worst without penis" pill that would do amazing things I’d have to experience to believe.

Oh, best-penis, I can’t even capitalize your name anymore. You disappoint me. Your mother is ashamed. Your father wrote you out of the will. You can’t even wear a condom anymore, because you’re flaccid and limp. I leave you with this, best-penis, as a last ditch effort to make you understand.

We are not friends, you’re not the best, I don’t like you or your pills and links and whtaever else, and I do not want to see your name in my spam box any longer! Take your friends Canadian Pharmacy, Free Vicodin, Viagra Savings Club and Shopping Spree for free! with you. They all suck and one of them ate the last slice of pizza.

It cannot be tolerated.

Yours Truly,

Me

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        Humanity Scar   

 (A zombie apocalypse survival diary, for your reading pleasure and future knowledge when they take over the world. Yes, I am the author.)  

(yeah, I have a ticker. SUCK IT. This is part of who I am right now and I want one!)