thoughts slipping

Today has been fast.

but slow.

and hyped on caffeine = me.

and sitting here wishing I had new music times 3

and here i sit like a crazy working gnome, putting in numbers and dates and times and wondering when it’ll be 4:45.

an hour later than normal.

damn me not being able to get up this morning.

Damn me rationalizing sleeping in because I wanted to drive in to work and then pick up baby after his counseling, but that’s at 5 and if left at normal time i’d have to sit around for an hour in the heat.

this way i don’t have to.

fires are everywhere.

EVERY.WHERE.

whatever.

damn you flames.

desires in my head like a crazy voodoo chief, jumping around the fire pit, singing his curses in songs.

her name would be beautiful.

all names i’ve chosen disgarded by the man.

no moriah. no marissa. no awndreya.

but something.

special.

i want her.

little brat.

spoiled rotten like the rest.

oldest son today is bad.

not sure if it’s because he’s restless or incapable of good.

he sat on my bed last night and glared at me as he pouted and tried to talk himself out of trouble.

sometimes I believe I don’t know how to get to him and make him understand. I’m scared of his anger.

I wish I could take him to arizona and have him punch that fool in the face until it’s all out of his system.

makes me want to contact him and say "Your son is 8 freakin years old. Where are you?"

nevermind.

i hope the males in the house will even him out now.

something has to happen.

something good.

my youngest is too canniving to be pouty. He will just work the system until it works for him.

my wrist hurts.

i wish my blueberries would bloom.