bad foot start

It sucks when the first thing you think about in the morning is money.

I SHOULD be able to make it this month, but I’m cutting it SUPER close.

I think I’m gonna have to cancel my Mothers Day plans though.

I just can’t afford it.

I just cancelled my lunch reservation and I’ll just save the movie card. I know I’d probably have to pay another 10 to 20 bucks to get all of us in… so whatever.

Maybe next month.

Probably not.

I simply have to save up money for childcare in July and August. No guarantee that my step mother is going to be able to do it. She might have a job. and I know my dad isn’t going to volunteer.

whatever. As it stands now I may be able to save up like 800 bucks. That’s not as much as I’d like, but it’s better than having nothing…

I’m sorta really depressed now.

I was feeling equalized, but now… not so much.

I have to think about Jacobs birthday at the end of the month too. I will probably make his cake from scratch and I’ll have like $50 bucks pocketed away to spend on him. I’m thinking of getting him this video game he salivates over (lego batman), but maybe I can find something less brain numbing.

I guess I’ll just spend my mothers day weekend lounging around like I originally thought. I might splurge and pick up a nice steak to make myself. And ice cream. The children can have chicken nuggets (cuz they’ll love it and I won’t have to slave around cooking) and I should have some Netflix movies to watch.

I’ll probably be in the throes of a horrible period so I won’t want to do anything anyway.

I sure hope I can get home and do laundry tonight. We’re down to bare bones.

Jonathon can barely fit his pants, he’s getting so tall. At least it’s getting warmer and I can cut the ragged ones into shorts…

Ugh, so depressed about cancelling the fun for the weekend.

but I had "the fun" last night and paid half of the dinner tab so there went the saturday money.

Oh well.

right?

We had margaritas and it felt nice and I tried so hard to get over myself, but my hormones are double sucker punching me in the gut with all these emotions.

I saw the first spots of my period last night, but nothing else today. It’s annoying. just COME already. I don’t usually "spot"… it just COMES AT ME LIKE A HORRIBLE BLOODY FREIGHT TRAIN.

It can do that now.

I sorta want it so I can just hurt and be over it. I want it so I can stop thinking about it. I want it so I can know my body, once again, gets to shed and get rid of the waste.

Stupid womb.

Sometimes I sit around and think "I could probably count the eggs I have left. I bet it’s less than 100"… which DOES make me crazy. Like… who does that? I always fear that I’ll run out. That I was super fertile in the beginning because my body knew that I didn’t have as many eggs as it should. and I’ll just run out.

and there will be no more hope. and I’ll just get over it.

wow, what a way to start Wednesday! *confetti*

Lets see:

Good Things:

*I got paid today

*I can pay most of my bills (B of A probably really hates me right now, but I haven’t gotten a statement from them in forever and really, they’ve already blemished my credit to hell. I figure my credit won’t get back to looking good until the second half of this year, so screw it… I haven’t paid in the last 2 months, one more month isn’t really gonna make a difference at this point)

*Well that wasn’t a good thing

*whatever, good things are OVER.

*over.

Lets just hope today gets better.

I was feeling ok and it was nice having Baboo with me last night and yeah… today has to get better.

and hopefully sooner rather than later.