I’m not a slut anymore it seems…

Hmm…

So I got a note that said I don’t write that many "hyper sexual" entries anymore.

Tis true.

I used to have all sorts of debaucherous encounters to relate. Random boys I took down through various scandalous means. Hot boys I snagged with my sexy charm that I thought wouldn’t look at me twice… but they tend to stay intersted if you offer a talented vagina for free.

Especially when you don’t need to be dated or complimented (much) or have any money spent on you. Especially when you’ll drive to them and get on your knees and take it all in without any effort on their part but a happy dick and a few moments of time.

That’s how I used to be. Running around wild trying to score. Calling on my bootycall that lasted over 2 years that ended with no fanfare and no regrets. Falling all over myself for new dick.

It was all a game.

but I don’t write like that anymore.

For I am not a slut anymore. Perhaps I should change my description on the front page.

I have had a single sexual partner for over a year now. I do like to write about the more exciting moments we have, but it’s different when I’m writing about a new boy or something like that.

It’s just been me and Baboo… and we do have our amazing moments, but I don’t write about them much anymore.

An entire year… (plus!!!)

I must admit, this is the FIRST time that has ever happened to me!!!

As I’ve mentioned, I haven’t even had a relationship LAST this long. And we have gone through our little bumps and slippery moments, but we are doing very well.

I get scared sometimes, honestly… thinking about what might happen. It all seems so GOOD and RIGHT and when he’s staring at me trying to make me smile because he obviously can’t STAND to see me sad… I don’t know what to do with it… I feel like I’m two steps away from an avalanche of calamity.

And then I think "what if it doesn’t ever fall apart?"

and I think about all the things I SHOULDN’T think about.

weddings and babies and weddings and babies

about that ring and that ceremony and how i want to write my own vows.

it’s so STUPID I could just kick myself. If only my leg would reach that far.

I know that those things are as elusive as the child I want.

Things to be flirted with in conversation, but never actually lived out.

and then I’m left to wonder if living in this state of happy with the children I have and the life I’ve attained is enough.

is it enough?

would i give up what is SO GOOD so that I can persue an elusive and possibly unattainable end?

a man who wants exactly as I want and will join hands with me and go along that path towards the bliss I know is there.

or is THIS the bliss and I’m too stupid and selfish and strong willed to see it staring right in my face?

oh jeesh.

I hate crying at work.

worse now that I have a scar on my face that hurts when the tears slide across it.

sometimes I wonder if being a slut was easier.

But I cried a lot more then… and it was never because I was so happy I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I wish this crap was easier.

I ate horribly at lunch, but I’m going to work out tonight. I have to figure out how they take payment for my gym membership. UGH.

I probably won’t get to talk to Baboo tonight. He’s going to his parents and his phone is dying and he left his charger at home.

it’s all adding up to a fuck all.

I’ll work out.

go home and eat a taquito (or four… dipped in nacho cheese… oh the HEALTH!!!). It’s all I really have to eat that’s fast. I need to get back on task with my cooking for the boys will be home. I was  pondering cooking a bunch of stuff and then portioning it into meal sizes and freezing it all so I could have a bunch of quick but healthy dinners for the weeknights… we’ll see…

I’ll put the pork roast in the oven.

I’ll go play video games (I think I’m getting back into my gaming phase).

If it strikes me, I’ll watch some porn and masturbate.

and then I’ll sleep and cry into my pillow cuz he’s not there.

stab my face!

(maybe I’ll take some pics of my broken face and post them!)