Chaosbride

April 2, 2009

Previous: Find joy in ~~(stabbing)~~ the small things!

My 1st mid life crisis

Ok, so since I’m on a roll of multiple depressing entries, I shall write about the mid-life crisis I had on the train yesterday.

So I was standing up because there were no seats. In the seats right next to where I was there were a bunch of little highschool students. They couldn’t have been more than Freshman and Sophmores. They just looked SO YOUNG. and they were just talking and laughing and gossiping and such and it just started to throb in my head…

I am freaking old.

I know i’m not OLD OLD.

but still… I feel like I’m crazy for staring at a bunch of teenagers the way i was.

I started having my old stupid thoughts about how my teenage years were stolen from me and jammed into a stupid house out in the middle of nowhere. A place where I had no real friends. A place where I fell into a depression so bad I slept most of the day and nobody really cared because my schoolwork got done, so what did it matter the rest of the time. A place where I developed an almost crippling social anxiety disorder that has me fighting it to this day just to answer my dumb phone. A place where I didn’t feel young and hip and cool or a part of a group. Where everything I learned was late or distorted because I was seeing it through such sheltered eyes.

And something inside of me just started to ACHE to have those 4 years back. To be a real teenager who got to experience life with all of it’s ups and downs the "normal" way… instead of stored away in the desert like some precious flower that cannot be touched.

I dunno.

anyway, it made me start crying and I had to quickly wipe my face so I wouldn’t look completely crazy… even though I probably did by default.

It just made me feel like so much of my life is just wasted and thrown away.

and here I am, reaching this new decade of my existence and I have so many issues I won’t even be able to ENJOY THIS LIFE for at LEAST another 5 years.

and who knows if even that will happen.

it feels like a giant hand is slowly crushing my windpipe and i’m just choking to death inside.

And top it all off, the one thing that I really want for my near future, another child, is slowly being pulled out of my grasp. Baboo just doesn’t want one anymore. And here I am… faced with the fact that I can stay with him and give up that dream or try to find that dream with a completely broken heart with someone who isn’t the one I want it with. I dont’ really just want ANYBODIES child. I want BABOO’S child. God this is lame.

FUCKING LAME!!!!

and what the fuck am I supposed to do with that bullshit?

I only have an hour of work left… and for that I am glad.

I need to get out of here.

My Mp3 player better fly to life when I get home tonight.

Or I’m gonna lose it.

I saw you on the front page. I feel the same way you do. It sucks. ::hugs::

Darth Howie

April 3, 2009

Random from the front page, yea looking back at my high school years, they certainly didn’t go anything like I would have expected. I grew up in the country and looking at all the kids in the city, they seem to have a lot more fun.

Beautiful406

I’ve been having a miflife crisis since I was 28. I freak out about aging and I just turned 30 in November. I wanted the same thing with the man that I loved. His child even though he didn’t really want one. That was just one of many reason why we didn’t work out.

-Blue

xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo

B+

((hug)) I am in the middle of year 3 of my midlife crisis…

I think my entire life has been a mid-life crisis.

...sarah

Everyone has issues, hon. Even those teeny boppers on the train. They’re just too young to know it yet, lol! I get all depressed when I see wrinkles or when my body aches and I pout about getting older but … but … why? If we keep going with this mindset then we will just waste ANOTHER 30 years. Start living!

Damien Knight

I know how you feel hun. Alot of things didn’t turn out like I hoped. But I hope things get better for you soon hun. Take care.

M.C.

Huh.. Why don’t we all just lose it today, dearie!

four.leaf.clover

HUGSSSSSSSS I think you really just need some big hugs today. You’re awesome. Love you!

atlas nugged

teenagers are fucking awful and i thank god every day that my parents were insane and never allowed me to properly be one.

Hobbletta

Joanna Maguire

Midlife crisis Crisis yes Men and women are not really mature till after 30 If u want more kids U will have a crisis when its to late Children take a lot out of the parents especially mum Teenagers think they know it all when together Apart they are mostly unsure of themselves Life isnt easy when it comes to having kids and desiring kids When they are born Love awakens at their birth Blessings

A mid life crisis happens in the late 40s or 50s because of hormonal changes NOT age Men get it too But its different to a womans.They loose sexual ability not desire. After the crisis ends They become happy about their grandchildren

Without Wings

April 4, 2009

pull yourself out of your funk girl! you’re going to vegas in two weeks! *hugs* i hope you feel better. i understand what you mean about feeling you missed out on your teenage years. i know it all too well

They ARE teenagers. I do the same thing, and think the same things you do when you realize yes, you’re listening to teenagers. It’s ANNOYING. Yeah, high school sucked and is the same reason why I have some of the same social fears, it’s not our fault though. It’s NOT your fault. And just think about it, just because those teenagers looked happy, I bet their were battling with their own emotions and puberty and all that craziness… and you can’t tell me you want to go through THAT again. I’d rather get old. I love you, so much, and having a baby, is something you want really bad. I wish I had advice about him and the whole babything, and I wish I knew what to tell you, because I don’t want to see it eat you up inside. You just have to follow your heart, because when we’re 80 and sitting on the porch hanging out, I don’t want to hear you say you had any regrets about this. Okay I’ve said enough, I love you. *hugs big big hugs*

pintador

I simply can’t allow you to have anything resembling a midlife crisis when you’re only turning 30. Mid life? Since when were our modern day age spans reduced to 60 years? You have another decade to go before you can even consider anything resembling midlife!! As for your lost youth. I can sorta relate, having been raised Mennonite.

Sperry

April 6, 2009

I feel the same way about my teen years. It sucks, honey. I know.

Granted I’m only 22, but I still have those moments. I’m not even as close as you to 30 (and Phill since he’ll be 30 in June), but I still freak out about it. Because when you’re that age people look at you weird if you try and go have fun as if you wre a teenager again. It’s really sad, because 30 isn’t even old.

KPinK

April 7, 2009

yep yep.