Dear Boobies, and other fun “dears”

I should be TOTALLY DONE with writing entries.

but I’m not.

Sue me. But you won’t get much.

Time to write some  "DEAR YOU" letters.

Dear Boobies,

Ya know, you’re annoying and confusing. If I didn’t really like you a lot, I’d want to cut you off. Instead I’d like to plump, firm, and lift you so that you look better. I am quite sick of the way you are too big to fit my snug happier bras and too small to fit my giant airy bra’s. I’m sick of you falling out of the BOTTOM of my bras or flapping around INSIDE the cups of bra’s. Can’t you just make up your mind if you’re gonna be big or small? You know I’d prefer if you were big and I’ll probably end up filling you with silicone bags. But I blame you anyway. I didn’t tell you to get all big cuz I got pregnant and then SHRINK after… but not to a nice happy size… oh no… to a stupid size that doesn’t fit any bra that man has ever made!

bah boobs! 

you know I love you tho…

Dear Foreign Couple On The Train and Old Mexican Twittering Friends,

Ok, wife, quit griping at your man in mandarin or whatever the heck language you’re speaking. You made him fuss and whine the whole train ride and he left glaring and even glared at ME and I didn’t do anything to him! If I have to listen to your converstaion, I want at least be entertained by your drama…  but I can’t because I can’t understand you! It just makes the talking annoying. I also apply this to the ditter twittering old mexican ladies who dont’ know how to be quiet and enjoy a morning train ride in silence. You twitter and gossip in spanish the whole way and it makes me want to scream. You talk so fast that even if I knew spanish I couldn’t eavesdrop! I dont’ even know what’s so important that that is no downtime in the constant stream of clickety clacking syllables. it makes me want to jab things into my ears… like knitting needles.

Why don’t you all just learn how to be quiet… or at least pace your conversation so those of us who aren’t amused can get a break!

Dear Ember and Roxie (my cats),

You guys stink. I think we need a bigger litterbox. Or two litterboxes. Or something. I’ve  completely changed your litter twice this week as well as sprinkled some arm and hammer kitty litter odor powder and you still stink. You are also ruining the curtains, eating my bread, jumping in the trash can, eating CHOCOLATE POP TARTS (they didn’t die, so i guess it wasn’t poison but they ate through a BOX to get to it!!!!), running and jumping around like loons and you only listen when you WANT TO. I can’t believe I bought you treats and soft food. You’re bad and you’re heathens! I can’t even have you run free at night because you’ll destroy things! You ruin my image of fluffy warm cat snuggles at night because you’re bad.

Sometimes I wish I had waited for a dog. But then the dog would stink and destroy. What is wrong with me?

Dear Hair,

Wow, you just suck and I hate you.

Dear body,

I know you’re trying to hang on to all the flab, but really, let it go. It’s just a burden. Just think of all the hot jeans in your closet you will be able to fit if you shed this weight! It’ll be awesome! Don’t deny it! 1.5 pounds a week isn’t enough. Lets get to 2 and I promise you’ll thank me!

Dear Guy Trying To Sell His Undiscovered Rap Groups CD’s on the Train,

I don’t want your shit. I kept my face pointed towards my book for a reason. You didn’t have to come up to me three times trying to get me to look at you. I don’t want to look at you and you can’t make me! I don’t look at ANYONE on the train. eye contact  opens the flood gates to crazy.

Dear Snooty Holier Than Though Asian Chick Who Rides My Train at Night,

You are such a bitch.I can tell. You just have that "bitch" face with your nose turned up and your mouth in a snarl like you smell something bad all the time (which is probably accurate, but you don’t have to look so snobby!). I hate the way you look at me cuz I’m sitting and you’re not. I get on the train first and I’m not giving up my seat for you. You are NOT elderly or disabled. so bite me bitch!

Dear People Who Keep Pushing Me at Train and Bus Stations,

I’m going to kill you if you don’t stop.I do not have to move when you want me to or because you want to get somewhere. It is CUSTOMARY to allow passengers to EXIT the fucking train BEFORE you get on. So quite pushing me because I’m letting some little old lady off the damn train before I bum rush the door. I swear next time I’m gonna just turn around and push you back and then what bitches?! then what?!

Dear grammar and punctuation,

I obviously hate you today. Drink poison and die

Dear Bladder,

Please stop feeling like you have to pee. I really don’t feel like going right now, and yet, you’ll make me, eventually. Because the bladder ALWAYS has to win and is really sore loser! I need you to shape up for Vegas. I don’t want half my time there spent in a bathroom peeing. I mean, I can always do a report on the "Bathrooms of Vegas"… but ummm… that would not be as fun as a report on how drunk I got and how many times I laid on a table to masturbate until I fell on the floor….

Dear Work,

You’re stupid.

Dear Nose,

Stop itching!

Dear Entry,

You may end now. Please wait for further instructions.

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