the subject is Baboo

Ok! So before I dive into posting more of Trigger (about 4 more chapters I can post if I get to editing them today,t hen I’m at the end and I’ll start writing fresh again) I want to write about what I’ve been wanting to write about.

but honestly, I’ve forgotten most of it.

Ha ha.

So I’ll just be CHRONOLOGICAL and maybe it’ll make sense.

So after I ran away from creepy train guy (who i pray to god i never see again, but the train is a strange place indeed) I called Baboo cuz I wasn’t sure where I was picking him up from. (did i mention he’s coming over again tonight?! oh joyous!)

We agreed I’d pick him up from work.

I went home and showered so I could attempt to pounce on him the moment he was behind my closed door.

Somehow I missed large patches of hair on my leg the other night. That was weird. How do you do that? I DON’T KNOW.

but i got it all done.

yep.

So we went to get him.

He looked… so… delicious.

I swear, what is wrong with me?

Everything! of course it is.

So we get home and I go to make dinner.

Jacob is on a hunger strike and wants only a cheese sandwich. He doesn’t like turkey. I don’t know what’s wrong with him (everything, of course!) and so i do that. I cut up the ribs for Baboo and I and made us nice plates with my almost mashed potatoes and peas.

THE RIBS CAME OUT SO GOOD!

So I’ve concocted a "sweet dry rub" from my pulled pork roast recipe. So ti’s mainly sugar with paprika, seasoning salt, black pepper, garlic powder, and onion powder. I’m thinking of trying to spice it up with some red pepper next time. (My peeps are from Louisiana and to hear my aunts tell it, it’s not RIGHT until you put some red pepper in it! ha ha. my little sister likes red pepper on her ice cream!) anyway, I just pound a good layer of that on. I like to marinate for at least an hour, but this last time i just popped it in the oven, sloooow, on  350 (turned down to 325 after an hour) for like 3 hours.

ta daaaaa.

yummy ribs.I put the sauce on like the last 15 to 20 minutes.

So yeah. I had some for lunch. so good.

ANYWAY,

we eat.

gobble blobble slorp yum.

I put my kids to bed hug hug snug snug.

and Baboo proceeded to play with his new phone.

*blink*

I felt… awkward like…whatever should i do?!

Quite honestly, I didn’t really want to just jump face first into his crotch. I know he would like that, but I didn’t feel up to it. I have my reasons.

And even though I was really horny, he seemed… distracted and not that into it.

Even when we finally got to the cuddling I had to be the sneaky first move maker. I dunno.I guess I wanted to be ravaged.

But since that wasn’t gonna happen I took control and… well it was very nice. indeed.

OH GOD THE SEX TALK, SKIP THIS.

I was on top and it felt so exquisite. Like wowWOWwowWOW. hahahaha. Yeah.

After though, he moved away from me sorta fast, to like… get rid of the evidence (condom) and even though it really wasn’t that different from before, the whole "sequence of events" and him sitting on the edge of my bed with his back to me… it made something trigger in my head.

back to my slutty days when the back to me thing meant "Get the fuck outta here and don’t waste your time trying to talk to me" or "I’m about to get the fuck outta here and I’m not gonna waste my time talking to you."

It was like a big WHAMMO in my brain and it made me emo. Like the sex was just sex and he got his orgasm and who gives a flying frappucino about the emotions underlying everything.

FLYING FRAPPUCINO??!! ReallY?!

that just came to me, it really did.

hahahaha.

where was i?

Oh, so I didn’t want to SEEM emo, but he could tell and I didn’t want to TELL HIM what was wrong with me cuz it felt DUMB and i got right on his last nerve. I must try to stop this from happening. I really need to.

I went to the computer and at one point he looked at me and gestured for me to come back to the bed.

and my head and heart melted into a tiny little puddle of "awww" cuz he looked so cute and i could tell he didn’t want me to be upset and I was being retarded.

but i know, i wanted some super long snuggly after glow.

Instead the boy farted and stunk up my room. ha ha.

but seriously. he did.

i sprayed some freshener spray, it’s all good.

ANYWAY, just too many things adding up.

the whole "fiasco a la baby" that happened back in October was feeling sorta raw. Just how I felt so disconnected with him when all that went down and we just got back to a GOOD PLACE and then we got seperated for those 30 days and now it’s like, everything is supposed to be normaly bormaly and I’m not feeling like it is.

I like… have to adjust and get my head back to trusting him and feeling safe and secure.

I don’t feel pretty and wanted.

it’s just how it is.

i’m a bit needy, i won’t lie. I need that moment of feeling like a princess.

he did sorta hint at me being cute (before my hair went to hell and decided to fly like a mane gone wild on a lion the plains of africa) and that made me feel better.

But I guess a boy who has been hurt has the same sort of troubles a girl does.

and so while i want him to be nicer to me, he can’t be, cuz he’s got his walls.

i can’t rip them down cuz that means i’d have to come from behind my own.

we are ok. we’ll be ok.

we talked about new years (and this is when he got his sexy man voice and it threw me off guard cuz it was so damn hot) and how he just wants to spend it with his friends. that’s fine. I have a friend and I"m gonna go see her and he can do his thing and I’ll do mine and he can’t be jealous of me cuz my thing is OBVIOUSLY better than his.

ha ha.

or not.

whatever. i got over it when i heard why. but still, what girl doesn’t feel weird when her boy doesn’t want to spend the most important and fun days with her???

…it feels bad. plain and simple.

it’s not like we’re spending thanksgiving and christmas together. nope. we’re not.

and now not new years either.

this doesn’t bother him.

and it isn’t BOTHERING me… it’s just bothering me. a little.

ha ha.

 

oh well crap, someone is buggng me about work stuff. don’t they know I want to write something totally unwork related?

I have to pay rent today.

boy does that suck a dirty weiner… with herpes.

 

ew.

 

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YAH
December 2, 2008

You deserve better..

December 2, 2008

red pepper ice cream….slorp yum….flying frappucino….wild lion….dirty weiner! oh my!

December 2, 2008
December 2, 2008

I don’t get why he doesn’t want to spend new years with you… 🙁 Hugggggggggssssssssss

I agree that you deserve better, but that’s old news. However, like you said…right now is an adjustment period of sorts. You’ve been away for 30 days and have to relearn some crap. Things are always changing, so don’t throw all your energy into one negative little possibility.

December 2, 2008

that dry rub for the ribs sounds hella good. farting & emo & dirty weiners, oh my!!!!!

December 2, 2008

Oh honey 🙁 I’d be disappointed too.

B+
December 2, 2008

(hug) and guys sure do know how to clear a room with their “emissions”… YUCK!

December 2, 2008

first noter said it all.

December 2, 2008

It does bother you, you just don’t want it to bother you. Cause then, that would mean and be acknowledging it. Yep. Been there. However…I get the feeling that you don’t voice these feelings of yours alot, because he won’t want to hear them. And you don’t want to risk hearing any of his possible negative reactions or him making fun of you. Understandable. But, you should still try to tell him

December 2, 2008

how you feel honey! Hugs.!

December 2, 2008

When I marinate mine, its usually a cup of ketchup, cup of mustard, 4 cloves garlic, 4 tblsp hot sauce, sea salt and cracked peppercorns and some liquid smoke. slather it on, wrap in plastic and fridge it for 2 hours, then chuck it in the oven like you did. its some awesome stuff. then again my bbq sauce is 1/2c bbq sauce, 1 bottle ketchup, 1 sm jar of grape jelly. insane but gooooood

josh has his walls too. and it IS a pain. he’s two hours away and i’m the only person he’s got but he’s STILL got walls built up that won’t let me in completely. it sucks, and it hurts. but you’re right. i think we’ll all be okay eventually. <3

Those ribs sound so good! Anyway, I think it makes sense how you feel. Everyone wants to feel wanted in their relationships. It’s hard when you both have walls up, but at least you understand that. I’m sure with time you’ll both get to a place when they fall. Sure you deserve better, but if he’s who you want I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to say so on a constant basis. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, and don’t generally take crap from people. We all have certain moments such as this in our life. You either move on to the next thing, or see if you can get to a point where it is what you want.

December 3, 2008

I know exactly what you mean about the back thing after sex and not feeling as wanted anymore.