eh, i don’t know. Read at your own dumb risk.

 

 

 

 

Disclaimer: I’m just dealing with my thoughts. I don’t know what is going to happen 5 minutes from now. As far as I know, "him" and I are ok. Or at least… trying to be. It’s just a rough time and I need to learn how to let him be. I can’t fix what is wrong and there is something in my head screaming for me to just leave him alone until he is able to deal with things in a way that makes him feel better. So… yeah. I’m just cleansing my thoughts a little, getting things out. I still adore him to death, and maybe that’s the problem. But that’s not what I’m dealing with right now. I’m just hoping the best for him, and we’ll see what becomes of it. So with that said, I’m going to purge a little. Read at your own risk. Please don’t judge me or him or anything, because quite frankly, there is nothing to do but wait for whatever comes.

so umm, yeah.

And now the regularly scheduled entry.

 

 

so I asked him today if he was weaning himself off of talking to me.

He didn’t really answer the question, he just flipped it back at me like I was supposed to answer it and then be satisfied with my own answer.

I am not weaning myself off of him.

but he’s being more productive at work and needs to focus.

Perfectly acceptable, says I. I need to do the same thing. But I’m more distracted by my laziness and OD than him. Ha.

 

 

so just a few seconds ago, he called me and asked me why I asked him that. I told him that I just noticed it happening and so I wanted to ask.

And he said something along the lines of asking me why do I have to know what’s going on all the time. Or something. Like he was just trying to quietly do this and I wouldn’t or shouldn’t notice.

Or something.

And then he went on to say that he is stressed and since both of us have this stress it should not be combined to create this huge stress.

This makes me… feel helpless because I’m obviously no good to help him.

I wanted to ask him what I could do to help.

but I know the answer is nothing.

and for some reason he hates it when I try to reach out to him.

So I’m not going to.

I’m not going to do anything but go along how I always have.

And if that means he wants to go and be solitary and deal with things alone, so be it. He is a grown man who has his ways, and I don’t know all of his ways. I probably never will.

I don’t feel any doom or gloom or anything like that because of this certain circumstance.

I will leave him alone.

As always, if he wants to talk to me, he will.

I’m not going to pester him with emails and texts and voice messages or anything.

Whatever.

My feelings really don’t matter and I refuse to allow him to know anything about how I’m feeling. It’s unecessary right now. I don’t need anyone either.

so there’s that.

I don’t know.

whatever.

i’m obviously talking myself into this solitary confinement.

I’m shutting the door and tossing the key through the slot.

I’m making sure the lights are off and my straight jacket is on.

I REFUSE to be emotional about this.
 

I. REFUSE.

I will not make this into a production.

I will not scream and throw fits.

I will not cry.

I will not do anything.

That he can detect or take notice of.

and that will be that.

I used to have this friend.

And when I was a mess, it was ok, cuz he was there and he just wanted to be there for me.

and when he was a mess, it was ok, cuz I was there and I just wanted to be there for him.

But I don’t have that right now.

and it’s just fine.

this is new and different.

I don’t know what it means.

It’s not that he doesn’t like me or hates me or something. I know this.

It’s just… not the time for me … to do… anything really.

so I have to change myway of thinking.

I don’t think he wants to break up with me.

cuz that means we can’t be friends either.

and that is what prompted this in the first place?

or something.

I don’t KNOW ANYMORE.

but i’m concsiously giving up my control.

I will allow this to be what it is.

I will not bleed my emotions on him.

He doesn’t want them. I can tell this. So I will hold them in like I know how.

and all is well.

and nobody should feel bad about this. It’s just how it is.

I’m used to it on some degree, and i’ll become used to it on this degree.

Life will continue on.

And maybe in a while things will swing back to being the "normal" that I thought was there.

And if not, I’ll deal with that day when it crashes into my face.

with knives.