Lost Motivation… i chose this…

i couldn’t help but look again.

all of the additions.

all of the "look how normal I am"

i chose this path.

and he chose his.

and who am i to be jealous or upset.

i chose this path.

and he chose his.

i tried to make a sim just now. of the beautiful darlingnikki. i wanted to make her perfect.

and it just wasn’t working.

and i tried and tried.

and i’ve given up for today.

i’ve lost my "sim-motivation".

I’ll try again tomorrow. i won’t half ass it

yeah, it doesn’t really mean that much, some will say.

but it does mean that much to me.

i can’t stand this  computer.

i’m going to turn it off.

i can’t stand breathing.

i hate everything.

i shall go crochet and get lost in a patter of knotted yarn.

and then i’ll sleep.

and please god, PLEASE let me wake up not feeling like my insides are dying.

feeling like i’m living in black hole.

feeling like crying and crying.

feeling like i want to die.

feeling like this.

let me wake up and just not remember.

i have no more distractions.

no more pretty boys to distract me.

the game isn’t working righ tnow.

my kids just make me want to grab them and hold them to me and sob, and i can’t DO THAT to them.

nothing works.

nothing helps.

i just want to disappear.

or stop.

just stop.

someone can press play a little later when it’s safe to come out.

pause me. help me.

i’m sorry.

i’m so sorry.

i chose this.

why can’t i live with it right now?