It’s just sex… or is it…

If I had made a bet with Hollycopter last night, I’d owe her 20 bucks.

I wasn’t expecting him to say anything to me.

He got online, la la la… and that was that.

and then he did say something and i was a little shocked.

I contemplated posting the conversation here, but i’m not that serious about it all yet.

So anyway, he seemed to be fishing, seeing if I enjoyed my time with him, if I liked him and all that. So since I recognized this, I bit  the bait (mmm flies) and let him reel me in. He is truly cute and sweet and nice… but a big perv.

and with my eyes wide open I will say this now… he just wants sex. and he wants it regularly. and he wants it from   me because he knows I’ll give it to him. He does not want to get to know me better. he does not want to "date" me. he wants to fuck me. he wants to do kinky things with me. that’s it.

and so, my choice now is to allow this to turn into yet another booty call (which would tempt me to try and encourage superhottie to find a girlfriend because he deserves at least that much) or I can stop him in his tracks and let him know that I don’t want to just be a booty call and if he wants that out of me, then he has to be willing to at least "see me" in a more respectable light and do more with me than get me to his bed naked and horny.

And that’s where my conflict arises. Because as much as I’d like a boy… I’d rather not start it either. I know I whine and moan and fall all over myself with desire for a man to want me… but it does involve much complication that I’m not sure I want to deal with just yet.

It’s almost like,

 if i eat one more piece of pie i’ll die,

 but if i don’t eat one more piece of pie i’ll die.

 oh why oh why, since I must i die…

oh well.. hmm… gulp! goodbye!

(that’s a paraphrase of this poem I used to LOVE as a kid. heh heh)

so that’s where I stand. I’m not sure just how much I’m overreacting. How seriously I should be taking any of this. What in the hell should I be focusing on or if I should just let it be what it is and stop worrying about it. I suppose it’s not unheard of to have a booty call change into something more substantial. especially if he stays as sweet as he is.

he told me that i wasn’t lame (he asked me how i was, and i said i was lame and sitting around and he said i should stop it because i’m not lame)… and he told me i wasn’t fat and that he enjoyed my company very much.

but i’m so scared and trying to keep myself from getting any sort of hopes or allowing any of my barriers and guards to go down… that it’s making all of this very complicated and hard to deal with. I want to be ok with it all and know what I’m doing and not scared or weird or any of that… but I am.

And it’s not that I’m totally resistent. I’m just hesitant and cautious. Especially since it’s so obvious what this is. and I can either have him in the way that I know will work (aka booty call HOLLA!) and wait to see what happens… or kill it where it stands (demand more now, even though he said clearly he doesn’t want it, and I am sure I don’t want to rush it anyway and it would just be weird and wrong if i just suddenly said "forget that i agreed to your terms and be my semi boyfriend or ELSE"…

hell, i don’t even know him that well. sure, i skipped a few steps, but i ALWAYS skip a few steps and have to backtrack and figure it out.

so maybe i will just relax and let it be. I won’t go jumping down his throat in any way. I won’t go nuts trying to spend more time with him or get laid or make him like me or any of it. I will try to just continue the way I was before I met him. I was easy going la la la, if we hang out cool, if not oh well, no big pressure, cordial nice happy times. there was no pressure and I didn’t have any expectations or desires regarding him and it was fine just being what it was. I want to retain that purity… that’s not a good word. I want to retain that mood, that feeling, that non insane tone to how i deal with him. I don’t want to get nutso and looney and sad and angry and googly and mushy and crazy and jealous and needy and clingy… and the whole lot of it.

i’m not in the mood.

but i want it to be cool and chill and kind and sweet and different…. VERY DIFFERENT from what I’m used to…

I guess I’m also scared of it becoming TOO sexual and that’s all he wants to talk about and that’s all i bring to his mind… sex, sex, and more sex,  medium well flame broiled sex, with a side of sex and sex gravy, please add some sex ice to my sex tea and sex me along with that sexy bill. and when i pay my sexy money, please give me a sex mint and then fuck the holy  hell out of me in the parking lot.

thanks.

*sigh*

so yeah, i’m just working this out in my head and I can’t guarantee I won’t say the same stupid stuff over and over and over and over… because that’s just how i am. ya know?

so anyway, on a totally different note… something about him that makes me not want to let him go just yet is that he has the most gorgeously gorgeous hands. just long tapered fingers and they are just DIVINE. Smooth skin and so nice. Just beautiful hands. Not too delicate, not too rough… just perfect… and i’m a freaky hand fetish girl anyway, so just thinking about them makes me crazy.

and at one point i sort of like… did that hand holding where your fingers lock between each other and electricy just surged up my arm and we abruptly stopped. so i don’t know if he felt that too… but hot damn.

anyway, enough of that. this entry has taken like 2 hours to write and i have some work (and some fav’s tee hee) to get to.

more crap later.

cuz that’s how i roll.