Would you be my little cut?

I love the band “The Used” now. *sigh*

I hate when bands can carve out my insides and shatter every memory across the floor like a damn catastrophe.

And yet I love it and need and crave it…..

Anyway, I figure it won’t help much for me to try and write about all the krap that’s happened in the last 5 or so months. It would take forever and I’m sure it will come out in bits and pieces. So I’m just going to start now as if I never left and confuse anyone reading and perhaps I’ll get some evil glee.

*don’t you see… the evil glee… tee… heee…. um. hee.*

riiiiiight.

So I’m still a lunatic.

Anyway, I didn’t sleep well last night. I got the wonderful revelation that my husband doesn’t want to have sex with me.

Yes.

And I haven’t had sex for over 2 months now.

(you know, it would make sense if you said what happened)

but i don’t feel like it.

Anyway, so he won’t… and who knows when he will.

and it’s making me  crazy for lots of reasons… but I just feel so damn worthless and ridiculous because I know that if a guy can’t even just bone you, it’s gotta be bad.

and he won’t even do that because he claims that he doesn’t do that.

so that means he doesn’t … want me. I’m not…. something or other. I disappointed him and now I repulse him and it’s so amazingly painful I don’t know what to do.

Everything feels like krap right now. And so I just want to cry and cry.

Instead I get upset. And I say to myself “FINE THEN FUCKTARD! I WON’T HAVE SEX WITH YOU. AND DON’T YOU DARE COME TRY AND TOUCH ME, CUZ I’LL TELL YOU I HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE!!!! so there! eat that fool!”

 Yeah, like that would help. But in a way I know I don’t want to have sex with him right now either, after hearing that. I don’t want him to come try it if he just feels “bad” that I brought it up. And yesterday I ate a whole medium goddamn pizza, so I know I regained 5 or 6 pounds.

Whatever. I’m just not desirable right now.

What else is really new?

Oh and Jonathon has the cutest haircut.

I’ll post pictures… one day. I guess.

oh well, i shouldn’t be upset. I probably won’t even see him for another week. or two.

I had been trying to whisk him away to a hotel room for our 6 month anniversary… but he kept finding reasons not to go. Now I know why. How awful would that have been. All romantic and me being a sex deprived fool trying to turn him on… and instead getting  turned away.

I think I’d have jumped off a bridge.

Anyway… before I end this melancholy entry, I must say that I hesitated coming back because my life is a confusing complicated drama infested wreck and I just felt like actually writing it down would make it seem more foolish. And then getting notes telling me just how goddamn stupid I was being or how to do things would make it exponentially worse.

But I realized last night as I st ared at the television and felt like used bubble gum on someones shoe…. that I needed to get it out.

I wanted to call someone… but  it was 4 in th emorning and I don’t think she’d understand *wink wink*….

but… *sigh*

ok.

so Jonathon is trying to kill himself. I should go save him.

I want to read favorites, but I can’t today.

I miss ya’ll.

*backflip*

*crash*

*blood*

oh well…..