Remember that

I have decided that I’m going to go ahead and remember. I’m gonna get it out of my system. I’ve seen others do this and it just seemed to cleanse something in them… so I’m gonna give it a whirl. I suppose that if I find myself in the middle of it all and I’m still the same I’ll stop… but I will try hard not to doom myself before I’ve even begun. I don’t know what I want to start with. I’m sure I’ll figure it out. Last night my mom said I’m one of those who likes to talk just to hear the sound of my voice… she was right in a way.

When I was younger, between the ages of 11 and oh, I’d say 15 or so… I was really really wierd. And I’d record myself incessantly. Every moment of free time I’d spend in front of my tape recorder. I still have a few of those old tapes. They are definitely strange. I wonder why I did that. I had friends then… but I never spent much time with them outside of school. I lived to far away to really do much. I never went to their houses and studied. I remember a school project in 8th grade. I couldn’t go to my friend Nicholes house to help with it. So they did it all. And I took credit with them… my part was falling on the floor and screaming…don’t ask why.

Anyhow… I think I started then to really hate myself. I remember being a cheerleader in 6th grade. i thought that would have to make me popular. but I was still the same. I didn’t have the really cute socks to go with the really cute shoes. My turtleneck had holes in it. Sometimes I would be sitting in front of the school for hours waiting to be picked up after games. I went to games I wasn’t supposed to go to. I missed Cheerleader camp. I wanted to be co-captain and I even got nominated. But stupid Jennifer got it instead. And she barely came to practices. I was at every practice. I tried so hard to be liked. But I was still snubbed and laughed at. They told me the squad wasn’t the cutest because of me. I still don’t understand why they didn’t like me. Cuz I didn’t have money to buy some stupid shoes and the stupid socks and the stupid turtle stupid neck!!!!!!! GAWD….

glad I got that out. =) I wish I was finished with this.

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So was that whoa in a good way ? or whoa in a bad way ? 🙂

January 3, 2002

hun, there is nothing wrong with remembering.. it helps. You’ll see as the years go on, your perspecive over your past may change.. you may be able to pull even more lessons from your past.. the key is to not LIVE TODAY in the pain from yesterday.. the key is to learn from your past, and shed a tear or two, while remembering – nothing wrong with that.. just don’t let it DEFINE you. Let it teach

you. Teach you things about yourself.. teach you things about this life. Teach you how strong you really are. Look at how far you’ve come.. look at how strong you are to come out of it all sane. You could never learn those lessons without remembering.. But avoid the negative parts of it — bitterness, regret.. etc.. the pain may still be there, but it shouldn’t rule your life today.. *hug*

Aww hunny, kids can be so cruel. I am sorry you had to experience all of that! I was a cheerleader for 3 years and I loved it. Even though the guys were not too thrilled with us but hey, it was greade school. 🙂 <center

ryn: LOL a book on me? I am dying to know what the title is! Thanks for getting updated and congrats on the first note. <center