I Put Miss Cleo To Shame

I think I need to change my profession. I really do believe I can tell the future. It’s either that, or my life is just really predictable.

I look back at the last 2 or 3 weeks and I realize that I felt worse. I was thinking about DG more. I was sad… I really felt the loss of him. I really missed him. I was thinking about the past a little too much. I realized I wanted to escape those thoughts, I wanted to get away from feeling sad for a person who hurt me SO MUCH…

And it kept coming into my thoughts “I wonder if he thinks about me? I wonder if he misses me… Oh yeah. I know he misses me. I know it’s eating him alive…”

I’m pretty sure I’m right. So this last weekend.. hell, all of last week, I couldn’t shake it.. the feeling that he was gonna get in touch with me. I knew it. I kept saying… “He’s gonna email me… he’s either gonna do that or leave me a voicemail. No doubt, before this year is over, I’m gonna hear from him…”

I thought that very thing this morning as I was kissing my son good bye… I think that DG has gone to my webpage and seen the pictures of his son. I’m almost positive of that one. It probably killed him… seeing his flesh and blood like that. My son is beautiful… our son is beautiful. Our son.

So I come into work this morning and I go to my email… my old email that he hasn’t emailed used in ages even when we were together… and guess what… a letter from him, with the subject “stuff” and heres what the letter said:

“It’s been awhile since we talked. Drop me a line…”

WHAT? IN? THE? HELL?!!!!!!!

I know the boy has issues with communicating.. but what the hell! I’m not even sure if he realizes he wrote me. He was probably drunk or something. Thats what I would like to think… I mean… how can he act like we just dropped out of communication when HE WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN. He was the one who said he hated me… he was the one who said that he didn’t want me to call him or bother him anymore. So I didn’t bother him. I haven’t bothered him for 5 whole months. 20 freakin weeks… the age of my son. My son.

And now this…. now this. I wish it was just as easy as ignoring him and going on with my life… but it’s not. and anyone who thinks differently, please explain the logic. I can’t be childish and just act like he doesn’t exist. Regardless of the horrible way he’s acted, I can’t stoop to that level. Not anymore.

And I can’t act like my son will never wonder about his father. I refuse to lie to him about any of this. I won’t be the one that pushed his father away so that Jonathon can blame me. I won’t do it. If anyone decides to be out of Jonathons life, it will be of their own freewill.

Granted, I will not go tripping and falling all over him with glee. I won’t crawl back to him in a pitiful little spineless way begging him to take care of us or love me or something. I won’t fall for any lines or totally believe the load of krap I’m sure I’ll get from him. But i have to hear him out. I wanted him to hear me out, and I certainly won’t be the one to deny someone their chance to explain. It’s not fair.

It wasn’t fair the way he treated me.. us… I know that. But I dont’ believe that 2 wrongs can make this right. I dont’ believe in the way he acted, so I know that I can’t act the same way. I’m above him, and I will act accordingly. Now if he chooses to climb up to my level, we’ll see what happens. But as of right now, I have no clue what he wants, where he’s coming from, or if he’s changed.

He could have changed. It’s too hard to tell. This is bothering me so much. I don’t know how to respond. I don’t know what to do. It’s freakin killing me inside. I just want to go on a rampage and break things.

God… and I was starting to think my life was boring.