Smack Me… Please!

So I was re-reading my last entry… and I just flat out got something wrong. I said that I had been able to withhold myself from my temptations before and I could do it again. Well, to be honest, I havent’ done that.

I was a virgin until I was 19 and raped… that was in the year 1998… right after I got out of that relationship… if you can call it that, I ran into the bed of my first boyfriend. Of course he didn’t want to have anything to do with me after that, so we didn’t talk civilly again after that all happened… so then I went nuts and turned into a sex fiend during the year of 1999 and slept with a few of my “friends” lol.. idiotic little 20 year old.. idotic… beginning of 2000 i got back with the guy who raped me (don’t ask, it’s just pure evil, and pure stupidity…), we had sex and broke up (some pattern here, i can’t quite make it out…), then I did some more frivolous escapades and ended up hurting a friend who I truly adore… we’ve also started talking again, and it’s one of the friends that I’m so glad I have back in my life somewhat… anyhow, so I ended up with DG… and for the next oh, 8 months, minus the 2 or 3 week isolations we had thrown in every 2 months… we had sex like every day, or at least every other day… and then, TA DA! i got pregnant, as well as depressed, so it wasn’t much of a temptation then, though I had issues regardless… and in April of this year DG and I had that last little thing before we stopped talking altogether..

So now I’m here, and I realize that ever since I lost my virginity, I haven’t gone without giving into one temptation or another. I haven’t really felt like I needed to. That scares the krap out of me. It really does. I mean, I’ve had sex with 7 people… maybe thats not a lot… or maybe it’s too many… regardless, i hate that about myself. I grew up with the ideal of waiting to get married, and the minute that goal was snatched from me, i run to the other side of the spectrum and throw myself at anything with a dingle dangle… (heh, ok, I know i’m going crazy now… cuz i am cracking up over the image of a dingle dangle dingle dangling… ok, i’ll stop)

Ugh, so now I’m just thoroughly disgusted with myself. I feel all used and broken, and any person worth having wouldn’t want to touch me with a ten foot pole… and I’m making that worse because I really want to go have sex with this guy. I mean… badly.

I’m so pitiful. I’m like… stupid. And I think this is also a result of not wanting to think about DG or what happened between us. I just want to lose myself in a moment… but that moment is going to echo and probably burst my ear drums and i’ll be deaf and crazy wandering down some black corridor slamming my head into the wall. (there goes the drama… you big ole dork)

I can’t believe I’m even writing all of this. I want to crawl into a hole. I’m such a wretch. I’m scared of myself, because I can feel that I’m going to do something I regret. I need someone to smack me upside the head and drag some reality into my insanity. Because I’m about to lose it.