That Girls Shadow

I keep thinking, I really want to stop. I can’t help myself, reflecting on where I was at this time last year. I can almost feel it. The way I hurt so bad. It’s like someone punching me in the stomach over and over again. Most of the day I’m ok. I’m a bit tired, but I’m content. I think of my little boy, and I smile. I feel ok, regardless of the insanity plaguing my life right now (especially the hair loss thing).

And then, out of nowhere, I get an image, or I remember something, I smell something, or I hear a song, and it all floods back into my mind like a hurricane. And I get this stupid stubborn tear in my eye, as my eyes burn and that pressure fills my ears. I’m trying not to cry at work. I’m trying not to cry at work. I’m trying not to cry at work.

It’s so ridiculous. I’m not that girl anymore. I’ve grown up so very much since then. But I find myself regressing, back to that pitiful girl who just needed him so bad, and he just turned away. It hurts. I want to be past this so very much. I know that I am, in some respects. I know that I’ve triumphed and moved farther than I ever believed I could.

But it doesn’t stop the past from hurting. How do I do that? How do I shut off that stupid flow of pain? I mean, I’m not sad that anything happened. I mean, it had to happen, god only knows where I’d be if I hadn’t been pushed down this road that I’m currently on. I shudder to even think about it really. But how do I forget that it really did hurt? How do I make memories stop being painful?

I mean, if there is no answer to that, maybe it means that I haven’t gotten as far as I’d like to think I have gotten… And then that would be more tragic than I would like to think about right now.

I know I’m not this girl… I’m not this sad girl anymore. So why can’t I get rid of her shadow????

RYN: The chatterbox is on my Diary Description page, just like in my regular OD…just type in your name in the first box, comment in the second box, and click on “post”. Refresh the page to see your comment. You don’t have to have one to leave notes in mine. I don’t know if that made ANY sense…lol Lack of caffeine, end of shift, you know. Me braindead.

darkart

December 4, 2001

Because its our shadows and footsteps that tell us where we’ve already been. So don’t be ashamed or guilty of not being able to forget, cos its what we can look back on to remember and not repeat em again.

you have come so far and i hope you realize that. unfortantly we cant change the past and erase our memories but believe me, it gets a LOT easier as time goes on. you’ll always remember him and he’ll cross your thoughts every day but eventually it will become less and less. besides there is someone that can love and treat you AND jonathan so much better. *HUGS*

I hear you loud and clear. Although you may have grown up that does not mean your heart has mended 100%. But tell me…is it even a little easier than it was a year ago? If so, then you are making progress hun. 🙂

RYN: Exactly hun. I guess my real point is that I have been through so many different short lived relationships in the past few months that I am forgetting to heal…and instead the hurt just keeps building. The frustration eating me alive… Kyme

You’re still mourning, and it’s normal to still feel that pain. Work through it. Let yourself cry when you need to.. crying is NEVER a bad thing if you let it do what it’s meant to do.. and that is cleanse. Cry when you need to, and let yourself grieve. You will see that in time, it will get less and less painful.. you will get over this. And remember, you haven’t really let yourself grieve

You’ve been through a lot in the past year or so, and most of that has distracted you from the grieving process. Now that you have time to concentrate on it, it may seem like you’re going backwards, but you’re really not. Work through it. Don’t ever ignore it. =) *hugs* It will get better.. you’ll see..

~Kateyes~

May 15, 2009

i don’t think the past ever stops hurting…but it always gets easier