choked

I got called on to explain an orthogonal linked-list implementation of a matrix in class last night. It looks something like this except that the diagram in the book is a little more abstract and it’s implemented slightly differently. I had just finished figuring out the example when he called on me to explain it, and I froze. I might have been able to do it, but I was the last person I expected him to call on. There aren’t many choices in a class of 9 students, but I am just now catching up to the rest of the class. Granted he knows that, even though I haven’t taken the two prerequisites for the course, I learned most of these concepts over ten years ago in high school, but I am just starting to build up my confidence in that aging knowledge. Over the past few weeks I have gone from the unknown student who needed another student assigned to help get up to speed to the student starting to help other students fix their code and turn in working code of my own.

So he must be seeing me as one of the older, more experienced students who could lead the class, but I still have some work to do before I can be that person. Right now I am only good for one or two word answers offered voluntarily. I joined Toastmasters to work on this, but I haven’t attended any meetings since I actually became a member because I haven’t prepared my first speech yet. I don’t want to participate in the short table topics until I have gotten through my first ice-breaker speech. I have been struggling with what to talk about, so I am glad B is going to help me with that.

I have been meek all my life, and I’m sick of it. I’ve always thought it was just part of who I am, but it doesn’t have to be. I know some people liked that about me, and I haven’t wanted to change that for fear of losing connections with those people. But is that what I want? I decided last night that the answer is “no” because while I may be meek on the outside, I am not that way on the inside. That’s not really me. That doesn’t mean I want to suddenly be overbearing and outspoken, but I want to meet somewhere in the middle. I want to be able to speak when spoken to and have my feelings known instead of assumed. I don’t want others to speak for me anymore. I can’t be an adult if someone has speak for me because I am in the grips of an irrational fear of what others hear when I speak.

I have to get to work now.