Updates/School [Updated 9/8]

9/6/2003

Just a quick update for now. I have a lot of diaries to catch up on and notes to respond to, but I promise I’ll get to it. I’ve just been way too busy. I started classes again last night, and I am about to head off to one again today. There’s plenty to write about that too, but not until later.

9/8/2003

Yes, I’m taking a six week English course (111 – College Reading and Writing.) This is my first real taste of an intense workload. I may try to take this back later, but I really like drive in this course. No screwing around, just right down to business. The instructor is challenging, manipulative, and in control of the class at all times. When he set out to start a discussion, he always succeeded.

Now, as much as I have to say, as much as I want to participate, I barely managed to get one phrase out of my mouth on saturday. It doesn’t help that I had been observing closely how he handles input. If you are too vague, he grills you for more detail. His whole point is to force us into expressing ourselves more clearly – to challenge us to think deeper about what we’re reading and bring to the surface any and all observations and questions about it, but he phrases his questions to us vaguely. It’s a trap. He knows that we’ll respond to vague questions with vague answers habitually. So, I waited and waited for the right opportunity to speak, to fulfill my participatory obligation (he is, of course, big on participation as part of our grades.)

After spending hours squirming in the front row, strategically mixing attentive eye contact with a pondering expression that dodges his questioning gaze, listening to student after student speak up with purpose only to falter at his hard questions, their words failing them time and again, I made my move. A student behind me to the left who often spoke up regardless of the consequences was once again at a loss for the words to express her idea, so I put my head down, and summoned all my courage to slowly raise my hand. I just couldn’t take listening to them anymore. He called on me to speak, I forced the words out as loud as I could make them, my lips battling against my will – the corners of my mouth pulling down as if I were trying to speak while sobbing. I fought back and won, I clarified what the other student had been trying to say, he accepted my remarks without criticism or questions, and moved the discussion onward without further questioning directed at me.

I wondered afterwards if he felt his victory. He had triumphed over the silent one. He had drawn me into the discussion after four hours of no participation. He had looked at me a lot during the discussions even though I said nothing. The longer I sat there with my mouh shut, the harder it had gotten for me to speak up when I had something to say. The students with no qualms about speaking out regardless of the consquences were quickly beginning to emerge as the key spokespersons – the ones the class is driven by. I felt more and more excluded as they took over with their quick but short responses, their faltering, frustrations with his questioning, his digging. Does he think he won the war? Or just the battle? Will he expect more out of me now? Will I need to be more skillful to avoid his attention when I am unprepared to speak? Too many teachers have thought that calling on me when I do not yet volunteered my thoughts is a way to draw me out – only to find disappointment. That’s not how I work. He has succeeded in making me want to be more prepared next time. I must have my wits about me.

Yes, I analyze all my teachers this way. I also assess my fellow classmates and determine my seat in the class accordingly. If I don’t want to associate with anyone else in the class and/or I want to make up for lack of participation with a show of attentiveness, I sit in front. In this case it’s an “and”. I can’t stand anyone else in this class, and it was pretty clear from the first night of class that I should sit in front and not look distracted. With a 3.5 hour class, it’s beeen very difficult to not fidget. I hate having people behind me because I never know who’s watching me. I shouldn’t care, but I always wonder if there is someone behind me that observes people the way I do. It’s uncomfortable. That won’t keep me from doing it – it’s not like I’m making fun of anyone, I’m just observing. I’m just not used to being in that spotlight; I’ve forgotten how to speak in body language after so long in the shadows.

Well, I could go on and on about it. I made a few more observations about the teacher and a lot more about the students, but I have much reading and writing to do. I have an essay due on Friday. I have much to do here at work, and a 3 hour class tonight. So, time is short and probably will be for the remainder of this class – 5 or so weeks.