Jeeze-O-Pete!

Worry gnaws at me, tearing at my defenses that have been carefully and painstakingly constructed. I should let it go, but some circumstances do not allow it to be. To be able to alleviate the pressure that I feel is mounting would aid in allowing me to better deal, or perhaps cope, on a more logical level.

At times I am fearful of allowing anyone too close. I am not a caustic person, but I do have my moments like I’m sure we all do. Day after day I often wonder where I would be if things had been different. If I had consciously made that other choice that had been difficult to begin with, would I be here now?

Most assuredly I would like to believe so. But that nagging, persistent thought refuses to allow any semblance of peace. Or is it that I generously feed it by allowing it to surface time and time again?

I refuse to wallow in self-pity and prefer to think of such as more emphatic. Perhaps I glorify these crazy thoughts more than I should, and give them the power to wield themselves over self-preservation?

Ah, hell!

What an epiphany! Surely to crack the wall that had been carefully erected is a sign of something more significant? Some portent of the future that is still, at best, out of sight, but at the same time clear enough to see?

Hrumph!

Talk about a glutton for punishment. I never fail. Never! Disappointed, yes, but fail? Absolutely not. It is not in me to do so. When I’ve been shattered to pieces, I have always had the courage and the strength to pick up what little was left and move forward. The road hasn’t been easy but I never expected it to be.

We take our lessons from past experiences I think and believe that what we learn melds with what we are learning presently. One step at a time. One victory at a time. Hurdles (obstacles) that have been thrust into our paths are merely testing our resolve and strength. I can carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and not mutter an iota of complaint.

I can share what wisdom I have with others. I can share my happiness and be happy. There is no room for sorrow, though it, too, sometimes catches me by surprise and unaware.

Pfffft…

I always thought myself a warrior(ette). My convictions are strong, and I am honorable, loyal, determined and dependable. I am loving and give more of myself than asked. It does not go unrewarded.

Yet … what holds me back from certain things, while others I am reaching out and taking a firm hold? What do I fear? Fear, itself? It would be best to confront it, I know. But how can I when I’m not sure of what “it” is, yet?

Ahh, hell!