scientology questions

I found these on Livejournal, and evidently they are actual questions asked of prospective Scientology members. According to some radio guys named Don and Mike. Obviously the intent is to weed out the aliens among us. And this is VERY VERY edited. There were three hundred and forty two questions originally. You’re welcome.

Have you ever enslaved a population? Not yet. I mean… no, of course not!!

Have you ever annihilated a population? Not unless you count those poor little ringnecked snakes that got into our house a few years ago. And I didn’t annihilate them. Baker B did. After I ran into the bedroom where he was sleeping soundly at two in the morning, saying, "Honey, honey, get up, there are snakes in the livingroom!" And he replied, "You take care of it – you’re not afraid of snakes," and went back to the sleep he’d never really emerged from. Whereupon I began to shriek, "GET THE FUCK UP THERE ARE SNAKES ALL OVER THE LIVINGROOM WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU THERE ARE SNAKES EVERYWHERE GET OUT HERE AND HELP ME!!!!!!!" And he leapt out of bed. And ended up beating most of  the poor little things to death with a pot.

Have you ever strangled anyone? Not yet. I probably will before it’s over with.

Have you ever warped an educational system? Just the one that I’m warping now. By letting people who are functionally illiterate enter the teacher education program. But it’s not my fault. There would be some sort of intelligence and literacy screening if I ruled this world.

Have you ever deprived people of hope? I just told someone that no, they can NOT take the restricted Teacher Ed classes before they have had the CI 2800 class. That was the second time today I’ve deprived this person of hope, since she’d called a couple hours earlier asking me the exact same thing, to which I gave her the exact same answer. Apparently she was counting on her whining making me change my mind. Because she can’t get in it now because the summer classes are full and she really doesn’t want to wait till spring to take the restricted classes because that will be oh so inconvenient and it would be really nice if we’d bend the rules and let her in. I pounded that hope right into the ground for her.

Have you ever committed murder? Not in the last couple of hours.

Have you ever forced anyone into an undesired beingness? Ummm…. if I ever figure out what exactly that means, I’ll let you know. I could probably count all those people I’ve murdered – I mean, no, no, of course not!!!

Have you ever destroyed an economy? I’m busy destroying my own economy with my spendthrift ways, but other than that… no.

Have you ever upset an ecology? I’d say those poor snakes were pretty upset. So was I, actually.

Have you ever done anything you would not like to think of yourself as having done? This question is making my head spin. I’m going to go destroy an economy for that, and then feel bad about it.

Have you deliberately prevented beings from exteriorizing? You know, I’m always trying to prevent beings from exteriorizing, and it just never seems to work. I just end up with these really angry, partially exteriorized beings trying to whack me with their partially exteriorized hands.

Have you ever deliberately tortured someone? My brother would probably say that I have. I was kidding. It was fun.

Have you driven anyone insane? I certainly hope so. If not, it wasn’t for lack of effort.

Have you ever recruited anyone for an unworthy purpose? One of my cousins and I once went to a party and took her little not-of-drinking-age sister with us. Then when J had a really weird alcohol/cold medicine reaction and was gibbering senselessly for the rest of the evening, I got the young sister to go tell her mom we’d decided it would be great fun to spend the night in the corncrib for old times sake. Not because J was drunk out of her mind and we didn’t dare take her in the house. That was a pretty worthy purpose, as our parents would have cheerfully murdered us in cold blood on several counts (drinking, driving, taking the underage sister with us, etc etc), but it’s the best one I can think of right offhand. 

Have you ever usurped a location? We used to fight over who got to play in the corncrib (in the days prior to using it as a place to store drunks) and we’d have wars involving fists and walnuts. So when we’d beat up my brother and younger male cousins and take over the corncrib, you could call that usurping I suppose.

Have you ever made a practice of creating emergencies? OH MY GOD OVER THERE!!! IT’S EXTERIORIZING!!! IT’S EXTERORIZING!!!!  Oh – sorry – what??

Have you ever unlawfully, or unethically, deserted a post?  I didn’t finish that one last week, but I didn’t do it intentionally. I meant to finish, but I got tired, it was way too long!!! Kind of like this one is turning out to be, even severly edited.

Did you come to Earth for evil purposes? No, of course not. I came to pick up some Chinese takeout. Then all those exterorizations just started happening.

Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive? Oh… ooops.

Have you ever wrecked a climate? I’ll wreck this one if I can ever figure out how. And by "wreck" I mean that I’ll fix it. So that it’s 85 degrees and sunny every day of the year.

Have you ever made nothing of yourself? You better believe it. I’ve made absolutely nothing of myself. I’m not sure it’s something I should be proud of, though.

Have you ever pretended to a power you did not possess? Just that one where I point my finger and make you spontaneously combust if you don’t stop whining and leave me alone.

Have you ever disappeared? Hasn’t everybody?

Have you ever pretended to a knowingness you did not possess? Wouldn’t you like to know.

Have you ever caused a planet to disappear? I didn’t mean to. I was just trying to fix the climate.

Have you ever convinced another that he has mocked up an unconfrontability? I used to do that to my brother all the time. It was lots of fun.

Have you deliberately sent someone to the wrong place, or the wrong person? No, no, we don’t do licensure stuff! You need to go over to the registrar’s building – go out the front of this building, turn left, and walk fifteen miles through the construction, pouring rain, and Floron traffic. Ask for Moltar. 

Have you ever pretended to be dead? This would be really funny if I could figure out how to pretend to be dead here.

Have you ever claimed it harmed you to do something? I always claimed working outside would give me allergy attacks as a kid. Well, it really did, but Ireally milked it too.

Have you ever blinded anyone? Only with my loveliness.

Have you ever destroyed another’s hearing? No, Tom Waits does NOT destroy hearing. I don’t care what Baker B says.

Have you ever held others in pawn for profit? Ooooh, can you really do that? How? I mean – certainly not!

Have you ever gone crazy? Only every fifteen minutes or so.

Have you ever manipulated beings as though they were MEST? [Matter, Energy, Space and Time]  What do you mean, "as though"????

Have you ever sought to put another’s thinkingness out of his control? No, but it sounds really handy.

Have you ever lost a doll body entrusted to you? One of my older cousins gave me several of her old Barbies, and I lost them. I didn’t like Barbies.

Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name? I’m starting to think Scientology is giving sanity a bad name, if these are for real.

Have you ever engaged in piracy? AAARRRGGGHHH, Matey!!! I mean, no, of course not. A pirate came into my office once and gave me chocolate, but I refused to be lured into a life of parrots and hooks for hands.

Have you ever thrown the ownership of property into doubt? Only in the most intense games of Monopoly, which have already gone on five hours too long.

Have you ever consistently made a practice of furnishing useless data? I think I’m doing it right now.

Have you ever practiced medicine unethically? Oh, like you haven’t.

Have you ever spread despair? Pretty much daily in this job. "No you may NOT sign up for FDN 3850 when you have failed the Praxis I twelve times!!!" "Yes, it is MUCH too late to change your student teaching assignment!" "You’ll have to talk to Dr. Airhead about that, and he is out of the stratosphere until, oh, 2008!!!"

Have you ever applied a hot iron to another person’s body? I’ve applied one to mine, in an attempt to iron my pants without taking them off. Guess what – that doesn’t work at all!!

Have you ever wasted time when you ought not to have? I’m wasting time that I ought not have right this minute.

Have you ever wasted men? Women? Children? Objects? An ability? Animals? Thoughts? Spaces? Energy? Umm… uh…. what???

Have you ever made nothing of a worthy person? Of a group? Of a universe? Of a spirit? I’d make nothing of whoever came up with these questions if I knew who they were.

Have you ever produced a bastard? No, but I deal with plenty of them on a daily basis.

Have you ever zapped anyone? I’d like to zap the person I just had this conversation with: Caller: I need to get a registration code. Me: I can’t give you your registration code. You have to get that from your advisor. Caller: I’m, um, calling for somebody else, and, like, their advisor, he like lost all the registration codes or something. Me: Oh, well in THAT case, Beevis, let me just give you that registration code, and your friend’s registration code, and why don’t I give you all these social security numbers I’ve got hanging around the office while I’m at it!" CLICK.

Have you deliberately set property afire? Hold on …. Yes! Yes, I have!

Is there anything the people of Earth had better not find out about you? Umm.. that I have access to registration codes but won’t give them out?? They’ll be lining up for that.

Have you given biological bodies a bad name?
Have you given doll bodies a bad name?
Have you given robots a bad name? Well, what kind of names did you have in mind?? I could come up with some really bad ones, I suppose. **@#$((&(&W(@&#$ doll bodies!!!

Wow, that was really long. And just for playing along, here’s a link to the show and all the questions. So you can see for yourself how many I DIDN’T do.