Monday Monday

It’s here.

I need to be careful with myself. I remember when I was in rehab they had us take this “what would be a good career for you” sort of test. It also tended to tell one some stuff about one’s personality. It was very hot back in those days (1986). It was also actually reasonably accurate. Things it said I was most highly likely to do well in were being an artist or editorial worker. Here I am doing editorial work. It also said that I had never developed a “tough” facade. I still haven’t. I think I’m missing whatever gene or synapse or whatever it is that gives people the ability to develop such a thing. So is N. It’s part of what makes him a Fearless Dancer. It is a good thing; it is a curse. It means one is reasonably open to life and experience; but it also means that one really has no defense against some of the sorts of stuff one ought to have defenses against. I hope for N that his exuberance and boundless energy work as a sort of shield for him. Even more, I hope that life doesn’t feel it necessary to take him down the kinds of byways that normally require such a thing. It won’t work; he is simply not a tough kind of guy.

My husband and daughter have lovely “tough” facades when needed. My son and I don’t. The thing about not having it is that sometimes when I know I should be very firm … tough … protective (past typing “Grrrrrrrr” a lot) … I don’t know how. I mean, I know in terms of how it is done by people, I have seen it done, I’ve even had it done to me! But I just wind up sort of gobsmacked and tongue tied and backing away into a corner someplace, looking for a rock to climb under or a floor to melt into. Feeling as though really everyone would be much better off if I just disappeared. Because I have no capacity to do what needs to be done.

I pray that N never feels that way. And I am praying that though I might never develop a facade, perhaps I will someday find the inner strength to do what must be done for the comfort and well being of those I love (including me) without wanting to vanish off the face of the Earth.

Okay, that’s enough of this sort of thing for one day. Expect more of it though. It’s part of what I’m looking at these days, part of why I am needing more time to myself actually, and will be taking more of it.

Crocheted blanket

Liquid
pouring its warm healing into the very
center
rest now
lay all your weariness down
in the comfort of coming home

Even crackling and far
the sound is closer to my heart
welcome
breath remembering
tonight I know where you lie
and I slip in beside you

Sweet return
stay in restful peace
how odd that now I
gone nowhere new
know peace
because I know of yours

What now will be said
asked or represented
let’s close the door on it
our room
in hearts it is secure
no intrusions mar its tempered beauty

Would they smile
to hear the voice that calms
the rhythms in me
the deep and quiet song
of something that leaves my words challenged
to tell

As private as night
stunning as noon’s glory
enough
i will save its telling
for another time
now it is quiet and home for you

New day

Take up the banner
while I turn to my own tasks
do you know
I see how many ways there are
of seeing

It is my vision I must trust
what my instinct signals
how I wonder though at those
so absolute
certain in opinion and outcome

Good to know
see that once again
there are those willing wings of freedom
for a time
wishing well

One door closes
and you know always
another opens
my home is not here
my love bursts out of windows