Blessings
I am so blessed in so many ways. Odd how many things come up for one playing bingo. I mean
I live in a city where bingo for the LGBT community, with a drag queen to call out the number thingies, is a regular occurrence. I spoke a bit with Sybill. He (she? I need help on correct usage here) also goes up to Connecticut (East Norwalk) once a month to do the same thing. Apparently the turnout there is incredible
full house and more. It is an amazing gift, to be able to get together with lots of other gay people to hang out and do something as seemingly ordinary and mundane as play bingo.
When I first started this online diary thing, it was to anonymously write about this whole process of coming to terms, rather late in the game, with the fact that I have, all my life, been more strongly attracted to women than to men. That I had developed feelings for a woman (my childrens principal no less) so powerful that I could no longer shove this down, back, out of the way. Why I had done so for 40 years Im not entirely sure. I know that a large part of it had to do with some very severe self-esteem issues. For one thing, growing up, the gay people I saw (and I saw lots, going to grammar school in Greenwich Village as I did) seemed stronger, wittier, and of course much braver than me (they were!). I also was slow in developing in some areas, partly because of early trauma and partly because of my alcoholism (drinking whenever one could get away with it from the age of 11 doesnt bode well for the development of emotional maturity).
Anyway, so here I was, starting to attempt to chronicle my life as a married mother of two coming to terms with being gay. I am quite sure that living in this city, with access to support as well as knowing and being friends with several out gay people, made my own ability to admit this to my husband and others far, far greater than it is for some people I have come to know online, who live in places, in cultures where the same does not exist. There are many ways people choose to deal with this. Some have lived their lives openly as gay people, and gone through the full brunt of their communities attitudes toward them. Some have lived quietly and unassumingly, not denying who they are but not offering the information either, sort of living on the model of the U.S. Armed Services (dont ask, dont tell). Some may never be able to live their truths because the losses would be too great (family, friends, community acceptance). I have learned that all of these choices have validity; and I, a sober drunk who has gone through years of working a program that in its working has raised my self-esteem and peeled away layer after layer of detritus and wrong thinking (theres still plenty more to work on, believe me), have no right whatsoever to question how anyone lives their lives. My only mission (should I choose to accept it) is to live my life as well and fully as I can live it, and keep figuring out who I am as I do that.
Well, the Internet opens up all sorts of vistas, let me tell you. This can be both wonderful and terrible; heck, walking through my neighborhood can be both those things; multiply that globally and
ackkkkk!!! I have made colossal mistakes, behaved badly, hurt people and myself, supported people and received support. I have met angels who have held onto me while I stumbled around, who patiently and with enormous forgiveness and generosity have offered me love the likes of which I have never experienced. It is true that I have responded most deeply to one of these angels. There are many reasons for this; mostly it is that there is a connection with her on all levels
emotionally, spiritually, mentally (and yes, physically when that can be)
deeper than any I have ever known. But there has been no one with whom I have shared time, love, dialogue, words, from whom I havent gained. I judge less and live more.
I have a lot to work through still. I am grateful for all the tools and places available for me to do this. I am grateful for my therapist, M, who I found through the Lesbian Therapists Referral Network, which I found through an ad in a newspaper my friend Randy gave me after I had come out to my Saturday morning AA group. I am grateful for my AA friend Melissa who that day hugged me and said I love you.
I am grateful for Marge, who I met at bingo. We all went out for a bite to eat afterward. They commented on my purple velvet scarf. I explained that one night as I went to therapy with M, I saw it
and bought it as a coming out present for myself (I love purple; I love velvet). As we all said good night and hugged, Marge said to me Congratulations on coming out. Now stay out!
I promised her I will. I promise me I will.
I think you are brave and insightful. Happy days!
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I admire your resoluteness and self-awareness as well as compassion. Shine on, Me Explorer, shine on.
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This is just a fabulous, warm, loving, heartfelt entry. I am so grateful for you, ME. You have taught me a lot. I too have made many mistakes, both in real life and on OD (although it is hard for me not to consider OD real life any longer). I’ve learned. I’ve had support when I needed it and encouragement. Hugs,
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you should be very proud of yourself, i am proud of you!
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A wonderful sharing. Thank you for being you! Yes, stay out! Stay on course for your life which is beautiful. I think the model human is one who makes errors along with the other bits of life, therefor, you’re a model human ; ) You’re doing great. Hope you give you plenty of credit for doing & being true to who you are. You’re a blessing for anyone you share with. Hugs, Smiles, Love,
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You seem to be living your life wonderfully 🙂 As to the he/she thing I’ve always found that when they are dressed as women they are addressed in the feminine. ((hugs))
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I’m proud of you, hon’. I know how hard it is to ‘come out’ to one’s family (i haven’t done so yet, for that matter…), but having people there who support you – that’s what makes all the difference. You are such a warm soul. Thank you. 🙂 hugs,
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I enjoyed this entry did the headmistress know? and ryn: the word shonky…goodness knows where that came from it fell from my mouth at the end of my entry and I thought yes that is right and it seemed to fit…chuckles…that often happens to me ….and I hope there is more to come for you
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(((me explorer))) i admire you. you have courage. you are a courageous woman. you are living life. being true to yourself. i admire that so much. to thine own self be true. yes, so true. i am so happy to know you. you are an inspiration to me and the kind of woman i want to have in my life. the kind of woman i want to know. thank you so much for sharing. much love,
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Very sincere and admirable. It’s also a good read. When you become a famous poet, this journal will be gold mine for your biographer. Hope you have it on a CD. Smiles & Hugs
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beautiful entry 🙂 and i am proud of you!
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*big warm hugs* reminds me of something i read, ‘i am trying to live my life, something so dangerous it has never been attempted before’ or something along those lines. I love you dear friend. -Colette
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ryn: one of hubbies best friends came and stayed with us from Mexico the other day after being abroad from NZ for many years. He is gay and i remember telling hubby when I first met him he was…hubby thought I was nuts and three weeks later mark came out of the closet with hubby. Mark is budhist and has all the years worked in their restaurants and worked around the world for them…it seems
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like he has had enough and he is home in New Zealand for good…he did tell me his partner has gone to England and he hopes to meet up next year…huggs
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I commend you. This is an excellent entry. And I agree…STAY OUT!! Much love~
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You are one of the loveliest and talented and caring sober drunks I’ve ever met. The ability to be honest about one’s deep-down true self is not easy. In this diary I see the soft sides of so many souls, especially yours. At my age, I feel so lucky to have finally met others that makes me want to question things in my own life and come to my own conclusions….life never seems …cont…
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black and white and rigid…rather like the gentle ups and downs of the tides…See, you’ve made me all soft and gooshy! I’m proud of you, C.. Many hugs…
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*smiles* very proud of you as well. I came out when I was 22, because it took most of my teenage years and more to deal with these other feelings.. then one day I did it I came out to friends.. then a year or so later to my family.. and now I am happy and not depressed.. happy I am no longer deney the true me. *hugs*
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I think it’s wonderful that you were able to find out that love goes beyond just male or female genders. I have often wondered myself if I were more then just straight. I have family members who are lesbians and I love them no less for it. I have many friends who are both gay and lesbians and I’ve always felt very comfortable around them.
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I remember someone saying to me that you can’t choose who your heart falls in love with. You can only choose to follow through with it or not. Then I was told I just hadn’t found the right one to lead me to that alternative life. I smiled and thought about it. They were right I can’t control who my heart may love. And I wonder if oneday I might meet that one heart that will change my life forever.
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I do leave all the doors open in my heart for fate to lead me wherever I am to go.
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You are such a beautiful, strong soul, truly, and it shows in this entry and every word you’ve left me *hugs you*
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Yes, yes – agreeing with all of the above. You are wonderful & talented, intelligent, sensitive, kind, gifted – so lucky to live in such a glorious city. Did I mention brave? Yes, you are. To take the steps necessary to be the person you are – out of the closet, for ever. Starbucks will be a reality. Love you!
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We are overcomers through our testimonies, and this one is one that i can be thankful for. like so many others i am astonished at your strength, and can identify with a lot of it. My mother and i sat down one day and had a conversation that opened so many cans of beans, an brought us even closer (it was possible) she laughed when i told her that i already knew, and that i was the same. liberation
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imagine that a mother and aughter coming out together! *laughs* Why did God have to make women so wonderously beautiful?
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