Not Much… How About You?

Obviously it’s been a while since I updated. Not all that surprising since Alan has been home and really the only chance we get to hang out is at night after Pippa’s in bed. Add to that the stuff of regular, daily life like making dinner and washing dishes, and it’s no wonder that OD has fallen by the wayside a bit. Not for long, of course. I’ve been writing in here a very long time – nothing could make me abandon it completely.

The transition to having Alan at home with us hasn’t been particularly difficult in terms of the day to day stuff. Pippa has decided that he’s a good person to have around and enjoys his company. She even deigns to eat for him occasionally, which she doesn’t do for just anyone. He’s put her down for one nap, but he’s never done the bath-book-bedtime routine. She did cry with him at first and wasn’t at all sure what this whole "Daddy" thing was all about. The worst was the night he came home and we went to the homecoming ceremony. It was already at the end of her usual day and there were lots and lots of people and the whole thing was very loud. I can only imagine how confusing it must have been for her to have one of the big, scary guys getting into the car with all of his gear when she was already so overwhelmed. She cried nearly the whole way home.

Since then she’s adjusted pretty well. Sometimes she’s still very clingy and Mommy-centric, particularly when she’s just woken up, but she’s getting loads better. I’ve even been able to leave her with Alan and go out and run errands on my own – a much quicker task sans Pippa.

I honestly think the adjustment was harder for me than for either Alan or Pippa, mostly because I have recently been seized by an utter terror of getting pregnant again coupled with the complete lack of sex drive that only hormonal birth control can produce. And let’s not forget the crippling anxiety about my post-baby body, which – despite losing 15 lbs. from my pre-pregnancy weight and therefore about 65 lbs. since the last time Alan saw me at 4 days post-partum – will never be quite the same as it was. So sex was a really scary prospect for me and I actually had a few tearful discussions about it with Alan. Thankfully he’s been very understanding and patient with me. It helps that sex has to be sort of planned out now. With Pippa’s crib sidecarred onto our bed, we can’t have sex once we’ve gone to bed at night, so an open and frank discussion helps.

It’s also been hard for me to hear about what Alan’s been doing during his deployment. He would never tell me over the phone while he was there, partly because of security issues and partly because he didn’t want me to worry. But since he’s been home, he’s been telling me more about what his job really entailed. While he never fired a weapon, his job was intelligence. In a very real way, he’s responsible for peoples’ deaths. I can’t pretend that doesn’t bother me. I’d like to think that he helped capture more than he helped kill, but I’m not sure I want to know definitely either way. I am glad that he’s home and I am glad that he’s safe and I’m glad that he had this experience. It’s something he wanted and felt was important to his career. And if he never deploys again, I’ll be very happy.

He’s only a couple weeks away from having official orders to Joint Base Lewis-McChord in Washington (state). From what he’s gathered, he’s going to be assigned to an Intelligence unit, as opposed to the Intelligence office in a combat unit. So that’s really good for him, since that’s what he does. Once he has official orders, he can put in a request for housing at JBLM. We’ve decided we’re going to try living on post this time around, because the area is pretty densely populated, making commuting unpleasant and Alan wants to be able to come home after PT or for lunch. According to their site, we’ll be eligible for a 2 or 3 bedroom house/unit in any number of neighborhoods. If it’s similar to Ft. Carson, we’ll be able to reject up to three before we lose our spot on the waiting list, but it’s also a different system there, so it might be different. I hope we have some choice, because some of the layouts are definitely better than others, particularly in terms of kitchen storage, dining areas, and bedrooms. We definitely need three bedrooms.

I’ve been thinking recently about what I want to show Pippa in terms of self-acceptance. I know I need to lose weight for my own health, but also because I want to help instill healthy habits of eating and activity. But self-image is a lot more than just weight, especially when she seems to be taking after Alan by being tall and skinny. She’s got naturally curly hair – she was doomed to it, since Alan and I both have curls. And how can I teach her to embrace her curls when I don’t? It’s one thing to style my hair, but another to straighten it routinely, all the while doing damage to it. I posed this dilemma to the ladies on my birth board and I was a little disappointed by the answers. A lot of them said that I should teach her to do those things that make her feel confident. But my question is why can’t she feel confident with curly hair? More importantly, if *I* don’t feel confident with curly hair, why should she? One woman did say that I need to present only those behaviors that I want her to emulate. Meaning, if I don’t want her to be forever straightening her hair, then I shouldn’t either. And I don’t want her to do that. Nor do I want her to feel that her curls have to be "controlled" by having them constantly pulled back in a ponytail or braid.

So I’ve been trying to embrace my inner curly girl. I washed it will a sulfate shampoo last week to get out all the gunk, gave it a trim and have since been experimenting with various ways to get consistently nice curls without soaking it every night. So far I’ve had the best results with dampening it slightly, combing it, and twisting it into a bun for bed. I also haven’t used shampoo since. I did use some of the L’Oreal Conditioning Cleanser (basically the drug store version of Wen) but it seems expensive when all the instructions for the "No ‘Poo Method" say a cheap, non-silicone conditioner does the same thing. Once I run out of it I’ll try just using Suave conditioner. On the plus side, it will make traveling much simpler. No flat iron to pack, no clips, no brush, no shampoo. Just a comb, a scrunchy, and a bottle of conditioner.

It’s times like this that I sort of resent my mother’s utter lack of femininity. I had to discover all this stuff on my own and my mother never had any idea what to do with my hair – she doesn’t even know what to do with her hair and mine’s always been a lot curlier. In that aspect, Pippa is going to have a big advantage in life. A mother with fashion sense, make up to play with, and skill with a blow dryer can be a wonderful thing. Or at least I would have thought it was a wonderful thing when I was a kid.

For now, we’re planning our trip back east. Mostly it’s just getting a handle on the smaller plans – renting a car, driving up to Vermont, setting a day to head into the city. We’ve had the plane tickets for a while, of course. The girl who’s cat-sitting for us came by today to meet us and see the place. She seems sweet and she has a daughter a few months younger than Pippa. Plus she’s only charging $10/day, which is insane. Honestly I’ll probably pay her $12. The professionals charge around $16/day, but still, it’s Christmas and she’s going to take an hour out of her day to drive up and take care of my kitties. I think that’s worth more than what she’s asking. In terms of logistics we’ve decided we’ll only take my laptop, which Alan will carry in his backpack along with Pippa’s food. Then I’ll take her clothes and gear in her little suitcase, plus my purse for my carry-ons. Our suitcases can get checked, but babies go through too many clothes to risk her luggage getting lost.

We’re going to be in CT for Christmas, then head up to Vermont for a couple days, and then go back down to Connecticut. I have no doubt that this will upset my parents, but I honestly don’t think I can stand being up there for that long, especially after the last visit. They can come out here if they want to see us. I already invited them for Pippa’s first birthday – I’ll have to remind them though. It’s especially important to have family here because Alan is getting sent to a leadership course that’s going to run 7 days a week for the first few weeks of March. He’ll be home at night, but it’s going to be early mornings and late nights so he’ll miss any kind of party we have. Sucks, but the alternative is losing his rank. Not an acceptable option.

Anyway, time is drifting inexorably towards bedtime and my pillow is calling me. Alan has tomorrow and Monday off, so we’ll have a nice family bonding weekend. Pippa has been sick (just a cold), but seems to be on the road to recovery. She’s got past the roughest night, so unless she’s caught something else, she’ll be healthy for Christmas. Of course, she’ll probably end up sick the week after we get home, but that’s then and this is now.

I did have to get her a new Christmas dress. The one I bought her is gorgeous and she wore it for Alan’s homecoming, but it’s ever-so-slightly too small and when she leans forward the buttons pop open. Not cool. The new one is poufy, but the same color so I can still use everything else she was already wearing with the other. Incidentally, I saw a *gorgeous* dress in the Neiman Marcus for Target collection. I’m hoping to find it on sale after the holidays so Pippa has a birthday dress – it came in cranberry red, but also tan with white polka dots, which will be perfect for early March.

Anyway, like I said, it’s bedtime.

~Liz