30 Things Survey

"30 Things About My Chronic Invisible Illness" as featured by Magenta82 and created by InvisibleIllness.com

1. The illness I live with is: Bipolar Disorder Type I

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: Spring of 2005

3. But I had symptoms since: It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what were symptoms and what were shining examples of teenage melodrama. I suppose my first definite symptoms started when I was 18 or 19, triggered by the stress of starting college, breaking up with my high school boyfriend, losing my grandfather, and finding out that my cousin had tried to kill himself. I did go to UConn’s counseling services in 2001 or 2002, but I was really turned off by the therapist there, so I stopped going.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: It’s a tie. One is having to hide a part of myself from people because most people don’t understand. The other is looking at all the things I do or want to do and having to think about how it will affect my mood. Accepting the idea that this was permanent and I’d have to deal with it for the rest of my life really wasn’t all that difficult.

5. Most people assume: That people with bipolar disorder are legitimately crazy or even violent. We may behave erratically, but we’re rarely dangerous to anyone but ourselves.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Leaving the comfort of my bed with the fan blowing the still-cool morning air across my face.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: House… I have a bit of a crush on Hugh Laurie. Actually, that just goes to show that personality is everything, because I didn’t have a crush on him when I’d only seen him as a bumbling idiot on Blackadder.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: At the moment, my lovely lovely Sea-Bands. They don’t make the nausea go away completely but they make me feel about 75-80% human.

9. The hardest part about nights are: The ones where I can’t sleep. It hasn’t been a problem lately because of the pregnancy fatigue, fortunately. But if I can’t sleep, I get restless and agitated, which makes it more likely that I’ll have an episode either that night or the next day. Insomnia is a major trigger for every kind of episode for me, as well as a nasty symptom.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) Right now I’m blessedly free of medications. I take a prenatal multivitamin and two fish oil capsules, which aside from helping fetal brain development, are supposed to help with mood disorders as well. At the worst medicated time of my life, I was taking about five pills, two Depakote, one Risperdal, birth control, and one Ativan as needed. Fortunately, I got down to just one Lamictal everyday, plus birth control.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Think they have some validity, but they are no more a "cure" than any of the traditional medications.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I’m okay with having an invisible illness. People don’t judge me instantaneously.

13. Regarding working and career: It’s hard, especially since my chosen field is childcare, an incredibly stressful job. It was hard enough while I was on medication, which is why I haven’t pursued it since I’ve been off the meds. The problem with having a mood disorder is that the littlest thing can become a big problem. So it’s harder for me to put work aside once I’ve clocked out and it’s harder for me to go everyday to a job that I hate and pretend I don’t want to kill myself.

14. People would be surprised to know: I’ve only ever been to 3 or 4 therapy sessions. I’m very practical and down-to-earth and didn’t have trouble coping with my diagnosis. I also hadn’t done anything to severely damage my life, so I really never saw the need for it. I still don’t.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Some people will pull away from me when they know that I have this illness. It’s why I don’t go shouting about it to everyone I meet. I don’t go out of my way to hide it, but I’m not going up to people and saying "Hi, I’m Liz and I have bipolar disorder."

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Get by without medication. But I’ve been off them for almost a year and I’m doing okay. I’ve had a couple episodes, but nothing to really worry about.

17. The commercials about my illness: What commercials about my illness? I’ve only ever seen ads for particular medications and only once (in a magazine) was one of them directed to people with bipolar disorder. Those medications that can be used for treating bipolar and are actually advertised are targeted towards people with depression. I’ve never seen a commercial on TV about Depakote, Lamictal, or Lithium, which are the three most commonly prescribed mood stabilizers.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: I don’t really miss anything. I miss being able to take whatever OTC pain reliever is available. With Lamictal I couldn’t take Tylenol. Now that I’m pregnant, I’m only supposed to use Tylenol.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: With meds it was hard to find my limit on alcohol consumption. I used to be able to drink most people under the table when I wanted to, but medications and alcohol don’t mix. So the first few times I drank while I was on meds were pretty rough.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Sewing. It doesn’t really have anything to do with my illness, although the process is very soothing.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I feel normal most days. 

22. My illness has taught me: To keep some things to myself.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "Omygawd! One day he’s all over me and the next day he won’t even answer when I call him. He’s so bipolar!" I really fucking hate that. Learn what it fucking means, people!

24. But I love it when people: Ask me about it. There are a lot of inaccurate media portrayals and I’ve done a lot of research.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "This too shall pass." It’s a story of King Solomon, I believe, that was referenced by Abraham Lincoln. I don’t remember the exact story, but Solomon sent one of his advisers out to find something that would make a sad man happy and a happy man sad… or something like that. And he came back with the phrase "This too shall pass."

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: It’s not the end of the world and it’s not a blank check to act like a jerk. You are still responsible for your actions, though you may not be in control of your emotions.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:How matter of fact I really am about it. People get so worried about and it’s not that big a deal if you just pay attention and learn all you can.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Alan is my constant source of bear hugs. There are times when I feel like I’m going to burst and if I just ask him, he’ll squeeze me as tight as he can until the feeling passes.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I’m not. I’d actually never heard of it until today.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Like you want to understand me a little bit better.

~Liz