A Curious Sensation

Last night was not a good night.

As has been something of the norm lately, I started the day feeling fine and level. I got depressed as evening settled. I sort of expected that. I wasn’t expecting psychosis.

Just when you think you’ve got a handle on the whole manic-depression thing, your own brain takes you cliff diving.

I went to bed feeling sort of fidgety and restless, but tired too. The agitation just seemed to keep building up and I finally started crying and woke Alan up. It helps me to be physically restrained at times like that because my mental agitation becomes physical until there is so much energy and pressure built up in my body that I feel like I could fly off in a million directions at once. The pressure of restraint, the almost pain of it, helps give me something to lean into. It occurred to me last night that a straight jacket might actually be kind of soothing. And a padded room where I can lash out until I’m exhausted? Don’t even get me started on how awesome that would be!

But here’s the weird part of the night… the part that wasn’t just me having a small breakdown.

For the first time in my life I experience tactile hallucinations. In most of the literature I’ve found, it’s usually associated with drug use and is marked by the feeling of bugs crawling over or under the skin. What I felt wasn’t even close. What I felt was the very disturbing and weird sensation that my eyelids were turning inside out.

Anyone remember those kids, usually boys, who would flip their eyelids inside out when you were in about second grade? I could have sworn that my eyes had done that on their own. Yes, I know I was crying. My eyes were puffy and irritated. But it actually started before I was really crying hard and it felt so real that I had to keep touching my eyes to make sure they were normal. Besides, I’m no stranger to eye irritation. I’ve been wearing contact lenses since I was 14, after all. And after I had finished my little meltdown, I had the same thing happen to my lips. I could feel them swelling up, getting tingly and puffy until they were pushed out like a bad collagen injection. I kept touching my lips, but they were normal. I was talking funny, but that’s probably more from the numbness than any actual swelling. And when I went to the bathroom to rinse my face, they were normal.

Let me tell, it was really fucking creepy.

And now I’m worried. I want to have kids, but I need to be able to manage my symptoms too, especially when Alan’s not home. I’m thinking about making an appointment with my TriCare doctor, whom I’ve yet to meet, and seeing if I can get some Ativan or something. At the very least I think it will relax me enough to get through the mixed episodes, which is when I’m most prone to the hallucinations.

::sigh::

Damn, this shit sucks.

~Liz