The Invention of Lying

I watched The Invention of Lying last night. Aside from being funny, it really made me think about all the little lies I tell on a daily basis. It’s not that I even mean to. Sometimes it really is as simple as saying "fine" when someone asks how I am. And if you think about it, most lies are about making other people comfortable, rather than personal gain. Because if someone asks how I am, they don’t actually want to know the gory details. It’s just polite filler, which is in itself a lie, I suppose. Because if you can only speak the absolute truth, then asking someone how they are means you really care about the answer. And when do we ever? It’s just something to say. "How do you do and shake hands." Really, we don’t even tell ourselves the truth most of the time. Or maybe we do. We tell ourselves what we want to believe is the truth.

I like to think that I’m better about this than some people, but I really don’t know, do I? I know that I’m generally pretty aware of when I’m lying, even the polite meaningless kind. Sometimes when someone asks how I am, I want to say that I’m not fine, that I want to go home, that I’m irritated, angry, disconnected, even horny. But I say "fine." I also think I’m pretty honest with myself. I try not to sugar-coat things. I’m practical and I can look facts in the face.

But it got me wondering, is it still a lie when everyone knows it’s a lie? Everyone knows that there’s a whole lot more to how someone’s doing than "fine," but it’s the answer we expect. It’s like wearing high heels. They make you look taller but everyone can see that you only look taller because of your shoes. But it’s still artifice.

It’s just that I’m a really honest person. When I do lie, it’s usually by omission. I’ll not tell rather than tell a lie. Yet there are stupid little things that I’ll lie about for no apparent reason at all. Almost like I’m just keeping in practice. What’s really funny though, is how used to hyperbole this constant social lying has made us. "I swear I almost died!" Well, not really. Not even close actually. So when I tell Erica that Bryce is driving me crazy, that he makes me want to cry, that I need a day without him, that I’ll trade any kid she wants if she’ll take him for a day, she assumes it’s just your standard over-dramatic tall tale. So she laughs and thinks I’m kidding when she says she’ll trade me Peyton for the day and I say I’d take her in a heartbeat. ::shakes head::

I’m not saying I always tell the absolute truth. I did tell Alan when I had a crush on my English professor, but I definitely don’t tell him anything like that now. Nor will I. And while it’s strange keeping secrets from him, it makes everything easier. He doesn’t need to know because it has nothing to do with him and it would only upset him if he did know. So why tell?

Just a little rant… I don’t even know why. Maybe the idea of actually living with my husband again is weighing on me. Probably more the living someplace totally unknown with only my husband. No friends, no family, no work, no gym, no network at all. Aside from Alan the only person I’ll know anywhere near me will be Kevin, and he’ll still be a day’s drive away, Jim likewise. And of course, Alan is jealous of both of them. I worry that if that doesn’t change, it’ll be a problem down the road. ::sigh:: I don’t know.

I need to stop thinking about all of that. I’ve been in a good mood the last week. Energetic. I don’t think it’s mania developing because I have good reason to be feeling upbeat and positive. We found out where we’re going, after all, and that was a huge weight off my mind. It feels like I can plan now and I always feel better when I have a plan. I also went to the gym every morning last week, plus I took a nice walk yesterday. And… well… it helped that the first person I heard from Saturday morning was Zach sending me a dirty joke via text message. I do still have a thing for him, which is just so so wrong. And it was sunny and warm and beautiful and I watched The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, which was quite good. And it has both Johnny Depp and Heath Ledger. They both have that great crooked badboy smile. Love that smile. So I’ve been feeling quite good about myself and my future. There’s just so much to do.

This entry is really kind of disjointed isn’t it? I guess I’m just trying to get a handle on everything I need to do in the next six weeks. Because that’s about what I’m looking at right now. Work. Spring Fling. Portfolios. Conferences. Awards of Excellence. Casino night with work friends. Cats to the vet. Mom visiting. Renaissance Faire. Sewing. Painting. Poster for Spring Fling. Change of Address forms. Apartment hunting from 2,000 miles away. Tattoo. Saying goodbye. Gym. Canceling gym membership. Oil change. New windshield. Back brakes. Muffler. Craziness.

~Lizzie