Routine

Another long time between updates. I suppose I’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut lately. It seems like I don’t do much other than go to work and come home.

Last week was a bit different. I had Good Friday off and I had taken the Thursday before off as well, hoping to visit Alan in Arizona. Well, I can’t afford to fly to Arizona on a whim, so I just enjoyed a day off here in Connecticut instead. On Friday night Lisette and I went to karaoke at Orange Ale House. I actually got up and sang, too! I did "Hit or Miss" by New Found Glory, and Lisette claims I didn’t suck, but I’m not sure. Either way, that’s one more goal to knock off my 101 Things list, so go me. On Saturday I drove up to Vermont and my parents and I went to see "Alice in Wonderland," which was very good. I still can’t stand their house. If they leave it to me in their will it’ll take all my restraint not to set a torch to the whole damn thing. It’s just so dark and small, impractical and inconvenient. Ugh. The thought of living in it actually makes me slightly ill.

Other than that, though, I really am in a rut. I feel stuck. Static. I find myself slacking on household chores, among other things. I’m lazy about taking out the trash, clearing out the junk mail, vacuuming the carpets, washing the dishes… pretty much everything.

I wonder if I’m not putting myself in this rut on purpose. Maybe it was the crazy, summer-like temperatures, but it’s really begun to hit me that I won’t be here very much longer. I tried to start a letter to the families in my classroom, letting them know I was leaving, but I couldn’t get more than a paragraph into without choking up. I suppose it didn’t help that I was trying to write it at nap time, when the kids were asleep and looking their most endearing. All except for Brynn,  who was awake and being sweet like only she can. More than any of the others, she and Elizabeth tug at my heartstrings. I genuinely hate the thought of leaving them. So in a way, I’m trying to pretend that it’s not really happening. As if not doing the dishes makes time stand still. All it gets me is a bigger pile of dirty dishes. But I still put it off.

As of right now, Alan still doesn’t know where he’ll be stationed. One of the guys in the same MOS as him is headed to Ft. Knox. The people he was at Basic with in the same field, but a different position all know where they’re going. I guess it’s not unusual to be in the dark until graduation. That makes it even harder to make a decision about when I’ll leave, and to tell these families whose children I love that I’m leaving. It’s like it’s not real until I know and maybe I’m just not ready for it to be real yet.

It’s scary that it’s coming up so soon. Alan graduates on June 10th. Then he’ll come here for two weeks to a month, then we’re gone. And we have no idea where. I mean, it’s one thing to tell them I’m moving, but quite another to tell them I’m moving and I don’t know where or even quite when. It does lend itself a certain flavor of unreality. And Connecticut’s been my home for my entire life. I’ve only moved twice and the first time was less than a mile away and it was my great-grandmother’s house. And I was pretty familiar with Milford even before I moved here. Even so, it’s still Connecticut, still the coast, still the same basic area. No surprises.

I had a dream a couple nights ago that Mia’s mom had a baby boy and although I don’t remember his given name, everyone called him "Pookie." She’s due soon, and it makes me sad that I won’t get to know him (or her… she doesn’t actually know what she’s having). I won’t meet Reagan’s baby brother or Connor’s baby sister.

I am trying to get out the rut. I finally took my book illustrations over to Staples to have them copied. And I’m going to eat better. This past week I’ve been too lazy to cook and the carbohydrate overload has me feeling too exhausted to move. So I’m going to make some 1000-Bean Goddess soup and thaw out some fish for the week. And I’m going to ship Alan’s Class A’s and his running shoes, another thing I’ve been putting off. Not to mention, Mia’s portfolio… and Isabelle’s, Peyton’s, and Liam’s. There just seems to be so much to do in such a short amount of time. I feel like there’s hardly any time left at all, and then everything is going to change. Absolutely everything.

~Liz