Because the Sky is Blue It Makes Me Cry

I don’t really know where to start tonight. I’ve been using that as an excuse not to write, but I know that I’ll just keep putting it off until months have passed before I even remember that I have this.

My emotions have been all over the place recently. Rest assured, however, that it’s not in the pathological sense. I am feeling no stirrings of either mania or depression and thankfully no signs of the dreaded mixed mood episode. No, these emotions are an everyday sort of everywhere, and I feel a lot like pinball. I’m excited, I’m sad, I’m worried, I’m lonely, I’m turned on, I’m aggravated.

Christmas seems to have come out of nowhere this year. I still haven’t figured out what to get everyone and I really don’t think I’ll be able to get my cards out this year. I’ve tried, but it just feels like pulling teeth. I finally got the Christmas decorations out of the basement. I was going to get a tree today so I could surprise Alan by having it up and decorated when he came home, but it started pouring rain. Yesterday I managed to do some shopping. Have I mentioned how nice it is not to be so worried about money? I’m still strangely stuck in watch-the-budget mode though. I find myself balking at prices that really aren’t as bad as they seem. I did come out of sticker-shock long enough to get a new set of modal sheets for the bed. I wanted to get flannel, but I suspect that the only flannel worth buying anymore is LL Bean. The modal is super soft and silky though. Honestly, I don’t know why people bother with cotton anymore. Modal and bamboo are both a lot softer for the same thread count. I mean, the sheets I just got are 250 thread count and feel like silk. The same cannot be said of 250 thread count cotton. Plus they’re a really gorgeous shade of green. I also got a book for my dad and a couple books for me with the gift card my Secret Santa (Isabel) got me.

I’ve had a lot of trouble with my cards this year and I think I’m just stuck. I look at the stack of them and the list of people and I just feel like it’s too much. I know that sounds crazy because of all the things I need to do for the holidays this is the one that be done while sitting on the couch in my pj’s. Yet I just can’t do it. ::sigh:: So let’s just forget that whole thing where I asked for addresses, yeah? I will try to get the ones for my friends done, but I make no promises.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Rosso the last week or so. It turns out Gina went to Southern and took a few English courses. She’s bad with names, but her description makes me think she had a class with him. I still feel all fluttery when I think about him and sometimes when I’m out I catch myself searching the crowds for him. Part of me wishes I would bump into him, and part of me would rather not because I’m so out of shape. And a big part of me wonders if he’d even remember me after three and a half years. Looking back at all that, I have to wonder if there really was something there. I felt at the time that the attraction was at least a little mutual and now that belief is even stronger, though I can’t really articulate it without sounding like a lunatic, even to myself.

And because I really do want to run into him and because I am so ashamed of how I look now, I’ve been more motivated to go to the gym and get myself back in shape. Because I’ll really only have until May for such a chance encounter to occur, though given that it hasn’t happened in the last few years, it seems unlikely. I know it sounds awful, but I’d really like to force the issue. Maybe take a drive up to campus and walk around? Yeah, yeah, yeah… I know you’re all thinking "what about Alan?" But I’m not asking the Universe for a relationship or even a fling. All I want is a chance to see if he remembers me and maybe have lunch, just to see if I was (am) deluding myself that there was something there.

All this desire doesn’t mean I love Alan any less and it never has and never will. I firmly believe that I married the right man. But I’ve always been prone to crushes and the fact that Alan isn’t here is just making my fantasy life all the more active.

And good things are happening this week. On Wednesday Erin and Lisette are coming up and we’re going out for coffee. I’m a little nervous because I don’t really want this to be about what happened between Jen and me. Lisette says it’s not, but I’m hardly in the mood for more drama, so I’ve got my guard up. I’m trying to put the negativity behind me. And Alan is coming home on Thursday!!!! I’m meeting Sgt. Freeman in the morning to get my military ID (finally!) and Alan’s flight will get into Hartford around 5:30 pm… or as Alan has it 1735. I’m not used to military time yet. I hope we can get our tree the next day, but I’m sure Alan will want to settle in a bit and visit family and we’re going to take Zach out for his birthday. On Sunday I’ll be baking Amish Friendship Bread… a double batch too. I’ll bring two of the loaves into work to share and keep two here because Alan loves the stuff and so do I.

Anyway, time to straighten my hair and watch a little "White Christmas" to get me in the holiday spirit.

~Liz

PS… I almost forgot one of my biggest bits of news! I’ve lost 20 lbs from my heaviest weight over the summer! It actually makes me feel like I could be just as slim and sexy as I used to be. ^_^