Dreams

Yesterday morning I felt my first real stab of fear and loneliness. I had a dream that a group of my friends was being pursued around Norwalk by two people trying to find us and kill us. Only they weren’t exactly people. They seemed to have no emotions, an uncanny ability to find us no matter where we tried to hide, and even though they always walked while we ran, they were always right behind us. One of them was Denzel Washington and the other was a woman I couldn’t place, but who seemed very familiar, and I know I’ve seen her somewhere before. She was the one chasing me. I ran up St. Mary’s Lane and then onto one of the smaller streets to the right. I thought I had lost her and I saw a guy walking to the end of his driveway to get his newspaper. I begged him to let me hide in his house. I ran in, locked all the windows and drew the curtains, and ducked behind a chair. But I’d missed one window. In a few minutes I saw her outside the window, and then she spotted me and leaned in the window, and I had nowhere left to run. At that point I woke up. I was scared and alone and I don’t think I’ve missed Alan so acutely as I did that minute.

Last night was another strange dream. I can only remember bits and pieces, but the gist of the whole thing was that I was at a lake with a group of friends (not that I can remember who they were), but someone and I rented a pedal boat and were out on the lake when I saw Mike Nichols in another pedal boat. I knew Mike at UConn, and he was just as handsome and charming as he was then. I was surprised that one of my friends was in the boat with him because I didn’t realize they knew each other. But what I remember most about it was how ashamed I was to let Mike see how heavy I’ve gotten since he last saw me. I was so ashamed. This was a guy I always equated in my mind with a young JFK and I couldn’t stand for him to see me as anyone but Marilyn.

While the first dream is a variation on one I’ve had repeatedly over the years, I think I know the origins of the second. I really am ashamed of how heavy I’ve gotten. I know mostly it’s been a result of the medication, but a good part of it is laziness and a fondness for sweets. And now that I’ve started working it’s been really hard for me to get back into the routine of the gym. My shift is 8 AM to 5 PM with about 30 minutes for travel on both ends. And the job itself wears me out so much that I’m already exhausted getting up at 6:15, so getting up any earlier would be insane. And going at the end of the day wouldn’t get me home until almost 7:00. Plus time to eat and shower and there’s my whole night. Ugh.

The embarrassment I felt upon waking up has inspired me to work something out though. My current plan is to eat my lunch at the same time as the kids, then use my lunch hour to go for a walk in Old Mine Park. It’s right there with a nice wide walking path, so I might as well use it. Then on Saturdays and Sundays I can go to the gym for an hour or two. I rarely sleep late as it is so it really wouldn’t interfere with my usual weekend routine. Besides, my usual routine has too much unaccounted for time as it is. I’m starting this today. I can’t wait any longer than I already have. If I want to have kids sometime in the future, I need to be at a healthy weight to begin with. So wish me luck.

Uh-oh… Time to finish getting ready for work or I’m going to be late!

~Liz