Crying Jag

I finally collapsed over the whole Army thing last night a little after 9. I’ve been trying so hard to look on the bright side the last few days, but yesterday was shitty already and I just couldn’t handle the idea of not seeing Alan from the November to May. That’s basically how long he’d be gone for Basic and then for specific training before he was assigned to a base and I could go live with him.  I was a complete wreck for nearly an hour and I just couldn’t stop.

A big part of it is that Alan knows me better than anyone in the world. And he’s been my strongest support in dealing with my bipolar disorder. Now, we’ve already talked about having kids and I really don’t want to put it off any longer, but that means I have to start weaning off my medication. So I’d be dealing with an already difficult situation with the added bonus of trying to handle my illness on top of that. Dr. Begum and I had talked about starting to lower my dose of Lamictal starting in September so that I would be completely off of it in November. I think at my next appointment I’ll just try to move it back so that I would be completely off of it by the end of December.  Alan would have two weeks off then for Christmas, so maybe we could start trying to get pregnant then. Of course, then the problem becomes one of not even having the opportunity to try for another few months after that. I would probably fly out for his graduation from Basic Training, but then he’d be off again. And that whole time I would be without chemical support and without my primary source of emotional support.  Alan suggested that I could go live with my parents during that time, but it’s a well-documented fact that I hate Vermont. His other suggestion was that I go live in Norwalk in the apartment in my grandmother’s house. Certainly a more workable arrangement, but I think I’d rather stay in my own house. The idea of being somewhere other than where Alan’s presence is strongest is making m chest hurt and it would really be embarrassing to start crying now because I’ve set up my laptop at a desk in the library to take advantage of their wireless network.

Okay. Just breathe.

Moving on… Or at least trying to. So why was yesterday so shitty? I called Alisa at 3 about picking up my last paycheck and left a message. She called back 15 minutes later saying that she was going to be mailing it to me because that’s what Pam said to do. I asked if I could please just pick it up because she knows what a problem the mail can be at my house and that while I don’t mind not getting bills because I can pay them anyway, I mind very much not getting a check. She said that was the policy but did I think I could get there before 4? And that she’d check with Pam and call me back. Now, this is not only a problem I’ve told her about but one that has directly affected me in relation to her and Pam before. Pam said she was going to mail me an offer letter. When I hadn’t gotten it a couple weeks later I called and she said that she’d mailed it the Friday before. I gave it the rest of the week and called again. In the end, Pam had to e-mail me the offer letter because it never got delivered. At any rate, when Alisa hadn’t called me back before 3:30, Alan and I got in the car to drive over there. Alisa finally called me back at 3:50 and told me that she already put it in the mail and I should have it by next week. I told her that she had no right to do that and that it was just as unethical and everything else there. She said that was the policy everywhere (no, it’s not but I’ll get to that in a minute). I replied that if I didn’t have it by Tuesday I would be calling her and Pam three times a day until they fixed it. She hung up. Bitch!

Now, as for that being the policy everywhere, like I said, it’s not. Generally speaking, it’s only the policy if an employee was terminated. I was not. Also, if an employee is terminated the final paycheck has to be issued within two days of separation. Again, not applicable because I left of my volition. Also, if that was the policy everywhere, when I left KiddieWorld, Kristen wouldn’t have given me the choice of picking it up or having her mail it when I left KiddieWorld. And last of all, policies must be written down and accessible to the employee concerned. I combed through the employee handbook when I got home and there wasn’t word one about paychecks and separation of any kind. It’s not a fucking policy if you just made it up!

Grr!

Well, what with one thing and another yesterday, I cried and screamed and sobbed so damn much that I burst capillaries under my eyes, which usually only happens when I’m violently ill. Now I looks like I’m recovering from a fight. Lots of fun.

Trying to look on the bright side now.

The weather has finally cleared up, at least for a couple days. It’s gotten hotter and it’s muggy as hell, but it’s nice to see the sun for a change. And it’s supposed to go back to raining for the next 4 days or something like that, so I’m okay with muggy. Plus it’s given us an excuse to finally put the fans in the windows.

Yesterday I made curtains for the bedroom and living room. Actually, I altered the curtains I had. See, when I redid my bedroom forever ago in Norwalk, I couldn’t find any curtains that I liked so what I did instead was buy two sheer ivory shower curtains with gold swirls embroidered on them. At the time sewing was the last thing I wanted to do, so I hung them on the rods with shower curtain hangers, one on each window. Since we moved in I’ve had the same set up, but now that I have a sewing machine and can do the basics, I decided there was no point in settling. I cut each one in half and hemmed the raw edge, then folded over the top to make a pocket for the rod and voila! New curtains and a couple hours free from boredom. ^_^ I’ve also made three batches of cookies in the last week – one of M&M cookies, one of oatmeal-raisin, and one of the most delicious chocolate and butterscotch chip that were absolutely melt-in-your-mouth perfect. Damn I’m good. Hehehe!

Unfortunately, I’ve now made myself hungry imagining all those delicious cookies. I still want to get some books while I’m here, too. Alan is studying for the ASVAB on Monday. He needs work on the Algebra and I learned that stuff 13 years ago and haven’t used it since. He also needs the computer to take some practice tests, so I am relinquishing my internet. ^_^

~Liz