Still crying at the thought…
Sigh.
I am back from our week long trip back east. Trevor and I drove out to Washington DC in his (packed to the ceiling) car, and then I flew back.
Leaving my son and getting on a plane at Dulles airport was the single most difficult thing I have had to do (so far) as a parent. I know I am fortunate that this is my biggest difficulty so far, but it HURTS. I cried all the way home on the plane quietly though. I could never just boohoohoo and wail the way I really wanted to. Ouchouchouch.
I have a good imagination for bad things…and yet now that I know the realities of his new life out there, it is more powerful and REAL and potentially much scarier than imagination. But at the same time it is good to really know.
It was truly wonderful to take this trip with Trevor, though. (Thank goodness his dad refused to take the trip with him at the last minute (see last entry)which then gave me the opportunity to go in his place. For the first time I am truly grateful that this poor, sad, doesnt-get-it man is such a jerk. I just want to hug him for the amazing gift he ultimately gave me.) (Okay..not really hug him. Maybe just shake his hand…)
This trip with my son was so incredibly fun. I drove through long stretches of the country during the day, and Trevor drove through big cities and when it got dark. We talked and enjoyed our companionship a lot, and I learned quite a bit about his music. Let me know if this drives you crazy, Mom but I like this piece because of the bass line/lyrics/guitar solo/melody . I listened and could truly appreciate what he wanted me to hear. We laughed hard as he taught me head-banger moves when we listened to Tool, and System of a Down, and hip-hop gestures when we listened to….whatever it was we listened to. We both enjoyed Pink Floyd, Beatles, Santana, and Jethro Tull.
His quiet, patient nature was such a blessing when we were lost in cities(thanks to typos and unclear Google maps) and when he was trying to re-teach me how to drive a stick-shift.
We spent the first night in Kansas City with familymy sister-in-law and two of Trevors cousins. It was much too short, but just wonderful to spend even a little time together.
The next morning we were off again, and drove to meet my brother, (also on the road for his job) for lunch in St. Louis. Another visit that was WAY too short, but very dear.
By later that night we were in Nashville, where we spent the next few days with my sister, brother in law and Trevors close-in-age cousin. They live in a spacious, gracious old neighborhood and we relaxed and truly enjoyed our next few days with them. When my family is together, we dont need much more than food and a place to hang out. But while we had time to sit around and talk for hours, we also got a tour of Nashville and some places of historical and musical interest. Shopped a little, ate a lotall that good stuff.
Trev and I left early Friday morning, chased by, but keeping ahead of, a major winter storm. We had thought we would get to DC at around 10:00 that nightbut Google was wrong and we were four hours earlier than plannedright smack in the middle of rush hour traffic. Trevor is my new hero for being able to keep his composure and proving to be a masterful driver. This fact alone comforts me as he navigates the streets and freeways of the huge DC area.
We found the apartment complex at last, and Trev and J were reunited after a few weeks apart. They are very good together. She is lovely and tiny and he carries her around effortlessly.
Interesting transitions happened over the next couple of days. A few days before this, I had been nagging Trevor (mom-style) to do this or that, get his stuff organized, make the final arrangements on important issues, and do all the details that go with a large move. But when we got to the apartment, it was time for me to completely back off as a mom, and let them work out everything according to their preferences and priorities. I was there to help do whatever they wanted me to do, but not be any part of their decisions or their new lives. It was not at all hard for me to do this, but I was very aware of the change, and proud of the way they moved through the things that needed to be done to make the apartment theirs.
I was having trouble keeping my mother emotions at bay, however, as I was nearing the end of my stay and I could no longer be in denial about having to say goodbye to my boy.
From my book journal:
Small details somehow connect with my emotions and I just want to cry and cry. The windows of this small apartment rattle in the wind and my heart breaks. How is he going to make his way here? How is he going to make enough money to pay for food and rent and school and life? The traffic is so intensehow will he stay safe and unharmed? I watch him through my mother eyes and he is still so young so vulnerable. And yet I believe that he is capable and strong. I HAVE to believe that, dont I my child is a young man. Letting go of the child is the hardest thing.
I have moments of I cant stand this. Even the thought of getting on a plane and leaving him here brings me to my emotional knees. Painful adrenalin rushes up and down my arms and I dont think my heart is well-built enough to handle goodbye.
And besides, the apartment building has cockroaches .
Trevor also had moments where he saw me differently. Suddenly I was not only his dependable mom, but someone he viewed as vulnerable and he felt a certain wave of protection for me. He would often stop what he was doing to look over at me, grin his endearing grin and comfort me. Im going to be okay, Mom..
My son is suddenly a steadfast young man living in his brave new world. I am feeling faith in him, because on this trip I saw his dependable, aware, patient, sensitive, loyal and unselfish nature unfold. And the most comforting trait of all is that he is proving himself capable. He is capable of driving, organizing, shopping, moving, arranging, running errands, helping out, killing bugs, listening and consoling with compassion, and moving through his world with intent. He is amazing.
And then our week had flown by, and suddenly we were at the airport, both Trevor and I in hard I cant-stand-this tears as we hugged goodbye. I waved the I love you sign to Trevor and J and turned to blindly stumble–tears streaming—through security.
I know that this is what parents dothat its our ultimate job to raise our children to thrive out in the world .and Ive heard that it gets easier someday.
But like many other things in life, I will have to live into that someday place.
xo
Adagio
he IS going to be ok. but it was lovely to read this from the mom’s perspective. i’ve only been in the kid’s role so far.
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Oh, dear heart, I can’t imagine. And I won’t have to imagine because I know I’ll be there in less than a decade. You must be thrilled when you at him and see what a wonderful person he is. The Beltway scares the crap out of me. I got stuck on it for hours once. Thinking of you and being wickedly grateful that I can still take care of my pukey kid (so far so good since I turne out her light).
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::crying tears of understanding:: There should definitely be a Rites of Passage ceremony for moms at this stage… to mark it as an important and difficult transition (instead of just “another week in the life”). Competent and amazing bode well, mom, so try to relax. Take a deep breath & let it all out. Let life unfold. ::sending you a longhardhug:: Much aloha,
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Welcome to the other side…Yes, my love, it does get better in the sense it “grows on you” the separateness and their life their own in all its beauty and struggle. Just like you…and just like me who once flew the coop. BIG HUGS and unlimited understanding…LYMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
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{{{HUGS}}}…I truly dread that day with my daughter.
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What a fantastic experience for both of you, sweetie.
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Oh, and I think the band is called System OF a Down, not FOR a Down. I listen to the stuff because of my kids too.
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okok, it’s going on six am and I have big fat tears rolling down my face reading this;) You did SO well, A..and so is your son. I can feel from your words what an amazing young man he has become and…I DO think he’ll be ok! What a gift you had in this trip with him! An amaing gift! Even more than either of you know. It will be a memory that will become more precious with time. (HUGS)
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It’s so scary and hard. I know. But you have so successfully raised your children to be strong, wise, independent thinkers, that it’s going to be even more exciting to watch them take their next steps than it was to take their first ones. *hug*
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Oh, my heart. Ouch! He’s going to be awesome out there, I just know it! Be well,
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You did well by him and he’ll prove that you did. 🙂
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*hugs* awww.. you were in St. Louis… so very very close to me 😀 Literally – I was just downtown yesterday – I’m in the county every day. 🙂 *hugs* He’s going to be just fine. 🙂 and he knows – he always has a home with you. 😉
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Oh, oh, oh, dear friend. **HUGS** I know you’re feeling as if you’ve just been fired after doing a good job for 18 years, but remember that you raised him up to stand solidly on his own two feet. And I speak from experience when I tell you that they DO come back. Give yourself time to mourn his absence. It took me a full year. But I learned that it pulled me & Husband closer, too. **HUGS**
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((hugs)) no, I can’t stand it, they aren’t allowed to grow up and leave. Lizzie is only 4 hours away and I can’t stand it, and who knows where she is going to go to graduate school. I’m not going to make it. 🙂
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…what a special time the two of you were able to share. It’s hard to let them go but we spent 18 years knowing this was going to happen. Thank goodness for phones and computers. It’s much easier to keep in touch now. BTW…what’s his brother up to and what does HE think about his twin moving across the country?
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((((Adagio)))) Wonderfully written, Adagio…..Oh, I can only imagine the tumultuos feelings that you’ve been having. I still have my two (21 and 19) at home but there are signs, loud and clear, that changes are in the midst. My head accepts but my heart is allready aching. Bittersweet, bittersweet is the lot of parents…….
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I know he’ll be fine. This is something I will never experience for myself, but reading this, I have a new appreciation for how my mom felt when I left home. btw, I think ALL apartment buildings have cockroaches. I think they come as standard issue!
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The bonding time you two had is priceless and forever. I can only imagine the pain of separation…..it’s funny, when they are small, they are the ones who experience separation anxiety, and when they are grown, we suffer it. Hugs,
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oh, been there done that but remember the tearing heartache. Yes it does better with time Thank goodness you had the trip together. Priceless.
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“All” apartments (and restaurants) have roaches… ick! But somehow we survive. You are such a loving & caring mom & I know he has benefitted from that. But it’s soooo hard. *hugs*
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Aw, you are such a fabulous Mom 🙂 Wishing you lots of good feelings and less worries and missing. Hugs,
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18 months ago I had to drop Tommy off at a recruiters office. I know this feeling so well. We also had the great pleasure of driving across country together. On his first leave home, he decided to take his old truck back to base, I was horrified,refusing to let him drive it back. Then decided to go with him and off we went. It was the most wonderful experience we’ve ever had.
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more on this…it’s hard to realize that others have felt the same things, but you’ve put it exactly into words. The fears, joys, tears. I still walk into his bedroom and cry by just the smell of him. Still can’t change the room about, it’s just as he left it.
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beautiful job, dear friend. oh sometimes i really wonder if i could possibly do it all, the all of parenting. oof. it is definitely overwhelming at times. thanks for your note. my one concern is how i will ever find such good people, how they will ever become familiar, and how they will ever want me in their lives. they dont tend to want people like me.
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What an emotional yet wonderful transition to “leaving the nest”! It sounds as if he will do just fine….and you, as you said..know that with time, so will you. Hugs.
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My eyes are full of tears for you and for me and for all mothers. Even though this day is far off for me, I’m already dreading it. *big ol’ Canadian hug from your sister in motherhood*
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You’re such a sweetheart. Of course you wouldn’t block me because you’re a kind woman and so full of love. I am SO GLAD I got to meet you face to face. If you want to visit my “whiny” diary, it’s E. Neener Poporush. You’re (of course)on my favorites list. Love you,
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RYN: Thanks, pal. **HUGS** I’m okay. I posted an entry on what the doc said, but I wanted you to know I’m okay.
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RYN: I had a few strobe light effects this morning but they went away, so I guess the eye is continuing to repair itself. I don’t mind getting old…but I sure hate the health issues!
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I held your hand as I read this, feeling again that ‘mother grief’ when our child steps out into the world. And I know the tenderness with which he said “I’ll be okay, mom”. So special. Warm hugs
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RYN: I love the poem you quoted. Unfortunately, I don’t remember who wrote it either! LOL
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…I just wanted to let you know that I finally got my alphabet collage into an entry. It’s the one about putting the credit card in the freezer!
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ryn: well I’m really sure I dont look like a gramma! (damnit). I’m just sitting here hoping karma slams him hard in the butt for that comment, that clueless oaf. and yes, i do take nice care of myself when I am bummed. I also stopped at the tuesday morning store and looked around to soothe my bruised ego. sigh. so i deserved a nail buffer. 🙂 (that dork! sigh)
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ryn: it’s never a bad thing to read that someone loves you. thanks dear woman. I’m really fine. just have put myself into a funk caused, I think, partly by a difficult (but good, good, good) creative process. Tough poems emerging.
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You should be so proud of yourself and your son! This ws a beautiful entry. One that every mother understands. You are a gifted writer.
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This entry on Trevor leaving home brings so many emotions bubbling up to the surface… I SO empathize. I SO understand. And as to it getting better…. who can ever learn to NOT miss that youthful laughter & joy & energy of brand new adults? Sure, pride helps smooth things over, somewhat… but pride sho ain’t huggable. *Sigh* (((HUGS)))
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