I’m Not as Miserable as It Seems
It may not seem like I am updating all that often but really I am. So far this month I have already posted 12 private entries. I am having a huge issue right now that I just can not hang out on the line. All is well and I will get through it ~ one way or another.
I am certainly between a rock and a hard place!
I work evenings ~ I leave home between 4:30 and 5 PM. Dick should be home within an hour or so. He is usually not home within an hour or so.
Tonight there was a call on the Caller ID at 10:25 PM.
A) He should have been home at that time.
B) What the hell was he thinking ~ the kids go to bed at 9.
C)Why had he not called earlier?
He thinks that he is so smart by clearing the Caller ID in the kitchen but he always forgets to clear the Caller ID in the bedroom. That flashing red light really catches my attention!
He thinks that he is so smart by not bringing his beer supply into the house. But I know that he has a cooler in the trunk.
Just because I have not said a word to him about his drinking he must think that I dont know. Yeah, I do know but I am not letting him know that it bothers me. I have fought that battle for so many years that I am sick of fighting it. He was drinking again tonight ~ I knew just from the odor.
Go ahead ~ call me the enabler! But I have done everything that I can possibly do to help this man. I have supported him and any decision that he has made ~ even though I dont agree with all of them.
I dont ask for much ~ honesty, love, and affection. But that is too much to ask of him. He show me nothing unless I approach him. I might get his arms rested on my shoulders that he passes off as a hug. Damn it I need more than that. I am not talking in a sexual way because I can do without the sex. I really have no interest in having sex with him. If he cant show me that he cares I am not about hopping into bed with him. That is why I dont usually sleep in the bed with him.
I use the my hip as an excuse but if the truth be known ~ I left him when Alexa was not even two yet. I had my own apartment, I was lonesome all the time and I could not get myself to sleep in a big bed alone. I got used to sleeping on the couch with the TV on. When he got served with child support papers he asked me to come back with promises to change. I went back ~ had I known that he called me the very day that he was served with paper I probably would have made him sweat it out. Had I not had an emergency surgery that prevented me from working ~ I may not have gone back to him at all. I was thinking of the girls and I was afraid of them going hungry. I have to admit I was scared shitless ~ alone with the girls and no job. So I went back but I still slept on the couch for the most part. I never realized it until now ~ I must have gotten pregnant with Tyler right around my birthday! Well, whoops!
Here I am ten years after getting back with him. Still not sleeping in the bed with him on a regular basis. Unfulfilled promises. A proposal that not one word has been mentioned since. Right now the words going through my head are: Thank God because I will not marry him! Not now, not ever! I will be strong enough to say no even though hes not ~ like he would ever mention it.
Okay so I sound really unhappy. I am not unhappy with all aspects of my life.
Even though I dont mention it often enough ~ my kids make me happy. They are really growing into well rounded people. They are nice kids and the behave no better or no worse than any other child. (Wait ~ yes they do ~ better and worse.) But they are normal kids. They fight, they argue, they laugh, they play.
For the most part I like my job. I have met a lot of different people through my job that I would not have met otherwise. Most of them are good people ~ as you know I have met a few that I dont really care for but that is the way life is. I like you until you shit on me. Speaking of which ~ tonight one more person made the I dont like you list.
Incident report later ~ just remind me!
For now I must scoot off to my blanket ~ on the living room floor because everyone will be getting up for the day. Dick will be gone to work in less than two hours. I have to get the kids up and ready for school ~ the bus will be here in three hours. Plus I have to do the banking be on my way in five hours.
I would have gone to sleep when I got home but I have another issue that I am dealing with. Maybe it is that person new to the list that is bothering me! I had to warn the boys at work that Victoria was very close to the surface. Boy, oh boy when they hear that they surely behave better. It is not often that Victoria gets released but I was really afraid that she would rear her ugly head tonight.
Nough Said! Good night!