See Dick, See Dick Drink!

We all know that Dick has been drinking again. I guess he thought that my silence was permission. Now I am kicking myself for not saying anything! He is right back to where he was when I gave him the ultimatum. It was not a gradual thing, it is like he never quit. I really do not understand it at all. Maybe I would have to be in the shoes of an alcoholic to understand any of it.

So now I am going to keep track of occurrences. Probably on private entries because I don’t write them for anyone other than myself.

Friday October 10, 2003

I worked but I did not go in until 7. The kids went to a read-in at the school. Nadine had Amy spending the night with her.

When I got home from work, changed out of my uniform, then I checked on the kids as I usually do. Tyler was in his bed but when I looked in the girls’ room it was empty. I checked the closet and looked under the bed. I checked in Derek’s room and when they were not in there I got frantic.

I woke up Tyler but he had no clue where they were. I tired to wake up Dick. He was hard to wake (I had to shake him to get him to wake up.) When I did get him awake a little bit he would only talk gibberish when I was trying to find out where the girls were.

(I can not imagine having missing children for days, weeks, or years on end.)

He finally told me that they were in bed.

No they are not in bed! Their room is empty and they are not in the house because I have checked.

Even at this point I am a frantic mess. I was screaming and yelling but he just stayed in bed. Too drunk to move.

All I could think about was the registered sex-offender that lives next door finding three little girls that sneaked out of the house and were wandering around the neighborhood.

I got in my car to drive up the road looking for them. Since we live out in the boondocks they wouldn’t go very far on their own. When I got in the car it dawned on me ~ they might be in another car listening to the radio because Dick allows them to do that. (The car has no transmission so we don’t have to worry about them trying to go anywhere with it.)

Sure shit they are in the car but with my in that frantic state of mind I was not very nice about telling them to get in the house.

When I calmed down a little bit I apologized up and down to them. I am sure that Amy was wondering what the heck was going on. Like I said I was screaming and yelling ~ still.

I explained to all of them that I was not mad at them and I did not mean to be screaming at them but I was scared. They were missing and crazy thoughts were going through my head.

Come to find out: Dick had given them permission to spend the night in the car but didn’t remember it.

I know my girls can be conniving and they do not always do as they are told but this is not the case this time. They would not try to pull off a stunt like this especially since I was still at work and I would be coming home.

I believe that they did get permission from Dick.

Of course he got mad saying that he did not give them permission. Three against one he loses!

He got dressed in his work clothes. I am not sure if he thought that he was leaving or if he really thought that it was time to go to work. Who knows what was going through his mind in his drunken stupor?

I did not beg him to stay and I did not tell him not to drive. Then I feeling guilty so I called him on his cell phone. He told me that he was going to the shop to sleep.

Whatever! Just drive careful. Bye!

Then I was feeling even guiltier. So I called again and he was actually on his way home. He is not the brightest bulb on the tree. He was traveling on the same road that he got picked up for a DUI ~ twice! Six months apart!

I had it in me to not say “don’t call me when you go to jail!” I wanted so badly to say it but I didn’t.

He arrived home safely and poured himself back into bed!

Again I was up and explaining to the girls that alcoholism is an illness and only those who want to be helped can helped.

I hate it that they have to deal with this too but I don’t know what would be the lesser of two evils for them. Living with his drinking or living without him. I do explain to them that I am not bad-mouthing him and I know that they are going to love him no matter what but they need to understand about his drinking and it is a problem that I am not sure that I can put up with.

We have argued more in the past four months since he started drinking than we did in the two years+ that he was not drinking.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.