DEEP THINKING

First I want to say how much I appreciate all your notes.
Next I want to write about taking on responsibility. An example: when my mother was aging I couldn’t stand being with her. I couldn’t accept the fact that she was aging. I didn’t know what to do with her/for her. I wanted her just to go away. WHY? Watching her age made me crazy. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor very upset. I called to ask my sister to call her in the morning to find out what she had planned for the day. Why couldn’t I do it? I didn’t want to be burdened with her. If I called and she didn’t know where she was or what she was going to do I would have felt obligated to be with her and I didn’t want to. It made me crazy that she was forgetting. Over time I did get to accept it. Don’t get me wrong. I did what I had to do. We put her into a senior apartment where she was looked after. I visited her of course and she did come to our house as usual. When she got worse we arranged for a nurse to get her up and going in the morning. It became harder and harder for me to visit. We had to move her to a place with more supervision and this continued until she died. I always got more help for her and also visited. Over the last few years I was just about her only visitor. I think if I could go back i would do it different or at least it wouldn’t have bothered me as much.
Hubby just mentioned something about having to move the stuff so the man could change the water heater. I went downstairs and asked him if he doesn’t want to move stuff or CAN’T! He said he just doesn’t like to do it. Well shit. SHIT HAPPENS! I showed him how it took a half a minute to move the stuff. He didn’t say anything. He is plain lazy. Finally he checked the heater and it seems the handle was not set right so maybe just maybe I will have hot water for my bath and we will have to cancel the appointment.
I have to keep reminding myself that EVERYTHING for him is a BIG BIG ordeal. For me it is NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!! Just move the stuff to the side. No need for analyzing where or when or how. I MUST accept the way he is and the way I am but I have so much difficulty. He is so analytical.
Remember the argument we had over the garbage? He was angry that he had to put out the garbage and it wasn’t neatly packaged? Well it is GARBAGE!!!!!!! Just take it out and pile it up. You don’t have to gift wrap it. I was so angry and let him know it. I have always pussy footed around him. I never want to upset him. WHY???? I guess I am/was afraid of his reaction but over time I am getting to care much less.
My mother had a short fuse and I was always afraid of getting her angry. I guess this has stayed with me. I also don’t want to allow people to see I am vulnerable. I don’t want my kids to know that my hubby’s driving does not seem to be the same. I have trouble accepting people’s weaknesses or better said their signs of aging. I have to get stronger. I also have to share more with people. I have to talk to hubby when he can’t do what he use to without getting so upset. I have to. I have to. Who says it would be easy but I have to and will and can do it.
I better get ready for my egg class. I will have a super day.