SAME OLD SHIT, DIFFERENT DAY-read

GRATITUDE

I CAN SEE.

I CAN HEAR.

I HAVE TWO ARMS AND TWO LEGS.

I HAVE FOOD TO EAT AND CLOTHES TO WEAR.

I HAVE A CAR TOD DRIVE.

MY FAMILY IS HEALTHY.

I AM SO GRATEFUL.

THANK YOU.

This is similar to what I have written before so some of you may want to skip this entry.

Once again I am wondering what the heck is wrong with me. I don’t know why I don’t care if I see my grandson or not. I could have gone yesterday but instead went to buy clothes. In the back of my mind I was thinking that I will just go there Friday for supper. Do I want to go? I don’t know. I am suppose to go to the country on Friday.

Now I wonder if I am just disappointed that they don’t ask me to babysit. I know her mother is living with them so there is no reason for me to go at night. During the day they might think I am too busy or maybe she just doesn’t want or need time away. I don’t know.

I don’t even care if I see my children or not. Oh I usually see them once a week sometimes less but most of he time I don’t care. I plan my day which hardly ever includes people. This is the truth! I’m glad to be with them when I am but usually it is because they initiate the visit.

I don’t care if I am with people or not. Is this true? Yes it is. No, I don’t know. Sometimes I feel lonely but most of the time I am so happy alone. A friend called yesterday and she said let’s stay in touch. RIGHT!!! We have nothing in common so of course I won’t call her.

Could it be that I need to be needed? That I want people to call me? Does that make me feel needed and loved?

Maybe it’s time to go back to the psychiatrist?

do whatever you want to do as long as you feel happy.god bless you!

country pharm girl

May 19, 2004

I just wanted to drop you a note to tell you that I added you to my list of favs. I enjoy reading your journal. We have a lot of the same feelings. God Bless YOu and take care.

Pola

I love to be alone.Long time friends understand it newish boyfriend doesn’t quite understand and the kids do get it.People take up and use a lot of energy to talk to for an intovert.I can spend days in my little house painting doing yard work and so on and be quite happy even if the phone were off the hook.It’s okay just enjoy the peace when you can get it.

RYN: this is my first year of having a garden. I am going to try my best and see what happens. I am planning on tomatoes, cucumbers, cabbage, corn and beans. It sounds like a lot but it will be rather small. It is just for our family of 4.

jjumpingj

I don’t think raging ambivalance is a good thing, talk to someone.

Have you ever tried keeping track of when you get into these moods? One of my therapist suggested this to me once and it turned out that my really down moods usually coincided with the date or time of year of an event that maybe I wasn’t aware of, like for example the anniversary of my divorce (this was a long time ago when that still bothered me) or something like that.

offmychest

May 20, 2004

I like being alone too. Sometimes people can be such a pain in the ass. I would rather be on my own, but of course I can’t. Got too many family responsibilities. I am sure one day I will be alone and then I will wish I had people around me. We can never be happy with the way things are, only with the things we wish they could be.I think that is human nature.

Pastel Rainbow

May 21, 2004

The person who needs you most is living with you always. It sounds like you are in a crisis and have been there but are ready for changeing things so you can be more pleased with yourself.