Like a Lamb

I marked the five year anniversary of Ray’s death by starting a new job. It’s a new job with medical benefits, dental benefits, disability benefits, and a matching 401k, plus life insurance benefits. I’m making a bit less than when I was consulting, but oh, it’s so nice to have good health coverage again without paying a small fortune for it.

And I also have a bit more job security. This company is growing by leaps and bounds, it’s close to home, has a good corporate culture, and I’m receiving training, which I didn’t get much of when I consulted. In those jobs, you’re dropped in, and you have to figure everything out very quickly. Sink or swim. Now I have a chance to learn how to swim before I start sinking.

I had to wait almost a month after signing the job offer before I had my first day. When they told me it would be on the February 25th, I was a little shocked at first, but then I realized it was a good thing. Being in a new job would lessen the sting of the day.

And it did.

After five years, I rarely say, “I just want my husband back” anymore. I miss him, but I’ve accepted the fact he is gone and there is nothing I can do to change it.

I still miss him every second of every day, but the bite is gone. I can even visit the “dark place,” the place that surrounds the events of Ray’s death without freaking out now. I can even visualize Ray taking his last breath while I was holding his hand without crying.

The pain isn’t gone; it’s more like being anesthetized. I’m aware of it, but I rarely have a strong emotional reaction.

After five years, I don’t feel like a wife anymore. I’ve accepted my status as a single person. When I read something I or Ray wrote about being a wife, it seems strange to me. It’s easier for me to think of Ray as my husband than for me to think of myself as Ray’s wife. Does that make sense?

But I was a wife, I was Ray’s wife, and I was a darn good wife and he was a darn good husband. I liked being a wife, and I loved being married to him.

I’m glad we’re forever linked.

I still visit him at the cemetery at least once a week. And I’m glad I’ll have my place in the ground with him.

While I was waiting to start my new job, I finally went through all my papers, and created a “death packet” for my son. The “death packet” contains all my important papers, like insurance, car titles, death, marriage, and birth certificates, and where everything is in case I die suddenly or if I die slowly.

Having all that information makes it easier for survivors to get going with things.

I often wonder what it would be like if Ray magically came back alive today. I know he would really like smart phones. He didn’t like cell phones that much, because it was difficult for him to hear the caller. Texting was just getting popular right when Ray died, and the smartest smart phone at that time was a BlackBerry, which wasn’t even on the radar for us. But I know he would LOVE the iPhone with texting and games and email all in one place. Ray was like me, we LOVED gadgets and new things.

He had a GPS thing that didn’t give directions, but showed you where you were. He would LOVE the GPS devices and/or on the iPhone today.

He would LOVE my super fast laptop.

He would LOVE the new sectional in the living room.

He would LOVE Facebook – his family was always really into social networking online and Facebook would be a perfect place for Ray to post all his photos and thoughts to share with everyone.

Since he died, I’ve bought a new washer/dryer, new refrigerator, new stove, and new dishwasher. I moved my office from the small upstairs bedroom into the main floor bedroom where his office was.

He would like the new flat screen TVs, the large one in the living room and the small one in the kitchen.

Ray would be sad that I had to put down his beloved cat, September, on February 18, a week before his death day, because September was sick. September stopped eating a couple of weeks before. I took him to the vet, and the blood tests and physical exam came back OK. Joe and I tried for force feeding him, but it didn’t work. When I brought him in that last time, the vet thought that he might have a digestive lymphoma.

I held September tight as she gave him the final injection. September was a special little black cat. We named him September, because we got him as a kitten after 9/11.

Ray would be glad our finances are in good order. I had to struggle after he died, working two jobs, but I kept plugging away, keeping my head above water. Even though I didn’t like consulting, those jobs got me through the recession, and that’s something, since so many people my age were caught in bad situations.

Ray would be proud of his family and mine. He would be impressed at how well everyone is doing. Yes, we keep moving along, but I’m sure Ray keeps moving along, too.

I know he would like my new friends I made from grief group and other places.

It’s now March 2, and we’re on the verge of another winter storm that will swoop in tomorrow evening. We’ve had our share of snow this year – nothing super bad, but we had little one to two inches dumpings throughout February.

One good thing about March storms, the snow melts fast.

Today was beautiful, sunny, and no wind, even though it didn’t get above freezing. I got all my housework done before visiting my accountant to finish my taxes.

I did my personal taxes while I was off of work, but I should have included my consulting company income in my personal tax form, as I became an LLC during the past year. I thought my company’s income would be a separate tax entity, but I was wrong. That’s why I used an accountant! No problem, he wrote up amended tax forms for me, and basically my refunds were cut in half, but I’m still getting sizeable refunds from the feds and the state.

Then I came home and paid my bills and balanced my checkbook. After that, Joe and I headed out to take an extra cablebox back to the cable company, stopped at Target, and then we went to the cemetery to visit our dead spouses. Our last stop was at the pet store to buy food for the dogs and cat litter for my remaining cat, Jumper.

Jumper was Asher’s cat, but he left him here when he moved out. Jumper is fat, so now that September is gone, Jumper is on a diet. He’s a nice cat and we like him very much.

So, we had a busy, but productive day.

Now it’s time to sit on that sectional and watch that TV (maybe) and do some reading.