Medical Alert

One of the common threads among the widowed is to wear something of the deceased. Some people wear their spouses’ wedding rings either as a necklace or on a smaller or larger finger. Some people wear an item of clothing from their loved one.

Instead of wearing something, some people get a tattoo. I often thought about that for myself, but haven’t worked up the courage to do it. My body has no tattoos now, so I’m not sure how I feel about “desecrating” it.

I wear Ray’s medical alert bracelet. I’ve worn it since the funeral director gave it to me after they cremated Ray.

The bracelet is very simple. It states: Tracheotomy I breathe through my neck.

Ray had a laryngectomy many years ago. In order for him to breathe, he had a hole in his neck.

It’s not a big deal unless you want to swim or take a shower or are walking in very cold air or want to talk in a normal way. And because you have no air coming through your nasal passages, you can’t smell.

Ray learned to speak using his esophagus to push up air from his stomach. He didn’t want to use one of those machines.

Ray spoke slower than us and sometimes it was difficult to understand him, especially if he was congested. It’s kind of like listening to a person with a thick accent – you have to slow down your hearing to understand them. And since Ray talked slower, a lot of people would get frustrated and verbally skip over him.

Another thing with a laryngectomy – you can’t yell. So sometimes people would try to trump Ray by using a louder voice. You know the game – loud voice wins?

Some people withdraw when they have this kind of surgery. Because of the stares. The pointing. And just the amazing rudeness of some folks.

But Ray kept going. He worked up until he went into the hospital for the last time. He made friends with all our neighbors. He would help anyone who needed it. He was one of those angels who walk among us. His attitude was that if they didn’t like his voice, or lack of voice, then screw them.

Laryngeal cancer has a poor survival rate – most people are lucky to survive five years after diagnosis. But Ray lived almost 20 years after his surgery. Besides his surgery he had radiation, but had to stop it early, because he was getting so sick.

The first time Ray got sick after coming to live with me was when he had like an asthmatic attack. We had put up our Christmas tree that day, plus started using a humidifier. I think that combination stirred up some dust or something that got into Ray’s lungs.

As we were getting ready for bed, he kept wheezing and coughing and couldn’t catch his breath. He told me it felt like asthma attack. That scared me and I called 911, because I know people can die from asthma attacks.

The ambulance came. The paramedics immediately placed an oxygen mask on Ray’s face. Well, that didn’t work. He breathed through his neck.

We corrected them and they fitted a mask over his stoma. And then they whisked him off to the hospital.

Obviously, Ray was OK afterwards, although he was very sick for a day or two. I visited him at the hospital the next day and he never remembered that visit. We never used a humidifier again.

But that was why he got the medical alert bracelet, so emergency personnel would know he had a stoma and put the oxygen in the right place.

The bracelet fits loosely on my wrist and arm and can slip off fairly easily.

About a year and a half ago, I noticed the bracelet was missing. I didn’t remember it slipping off. I looked all over for it, but couldn’t find it.

One day, a couple months later, I found it lying on the floor in the “futon room.” How it got there, I have no clue, because I’m rarely in that room, plus I vacuum that room every week. Wouldn’t I have seen it if it was lying on the floor? Or wouldn’t the vacuum cleaner have sucked it up and I would have heard that?

About a year ago, I was at the gym and I noticed the bracelet was gone. I figured it must have slipped off while I was exercising and looked around for it. I checked a few times at the lost and found. But nothing. I was sad about it, but I could live without the bracelet.

I went swimming this past Friday at the club. I keep my swimming cap and goggles in a small pocket in my gym bag. When I pulled them out, I heard this rattling. I looked in the pocket, and sure enough, there was Ray’s medical alert bracelet.

Gosh, darn it, how did it get there?

I don’t know. I can’t remember putting it there. I haven’t gone swimming at the gym for almost a year. My awareness of it being gone was while I was exercising, not swimming.

Did Ray find it for me? Again?

He’s probably sick of me losing the darn thing.

The medical alert bracelet is back on my arm, and I’ll try to keep better track of it. I know I can live without it, and maybe that’s the lesson here.

Yes, I love Ray with all my heart, and he’s not here right now, because he slipped away from me. But my life is moving forward. I’m not the same person that I was or as happy as I was, but I’m making the best of my life as much as I can without Ray. One day, when it’s my time to die, we will find each other again and we’ll slip back into our love as if time hadn’t passed at all.