The Fourth

Ray’s birthday is on Tuesday and this will be the fourth birthday that I celebrate on my own. He never was big on his birthday anyway, but he always enjoyed being acknowledged and getting a little birthday kiss.

I still kiss him, but it’s different kissing air or a tombstone, but I think he can feel them in his own way. I sure feel him enveloping me at times and I squiggle and fit myself into his warm embrace and wish I didn’t have to leave it.

For the past four years, I celebrate Ray’s birthday by putting a card in memoriam in the paper with a little message and a happy birthday along with his photo.

I thought when I did this for his first birthday, it would be like a spell and he would magically come alive. I guess that didn’t work, he’s still dead. I’m less naïve now. I realize no matter what I do, I’ll just have to wait until it’s my turn to die to really see him again.

You can’t blame a girl for trying.

But my life is OK. I have a good job. I have good health. I have a good family.

I had a good day today:

Joe and I cooked breakfast together this morning.

I finally put my new doorbell on the back door today. I didn’t electrocute myself. It didn’t fit, but I used Ray’s creativity to make it fit. And it works! Awesome!

Shadow and I took a walk in Fort Snelling State Park today. I haven’t been there all summer and it’s my favorite park, and it was a gorgeous day today, so off we went.

The park was partially underwater during the massive floods this spring and summer of the Mississippi River. I saw trees flattened by the flood waters. The park rangers had a massive clean-up to do after the flood waters receded.

But the paths were clear today. Shadow and I saw wild turkeys, deer, and a caterpillar. Shadow scared up a big fat garter snake.

It sure felt good to walk beneath the trees that are on the verge of some incredible fall color.

And to end the day, Joe and I are going to cook dinner.

Happy Birthday, Ray! I love you forever.