Getting by

I have to remember how to write again…how to be alone again.

Today’s been my first real day alone.  I spent it on the couch, doing nothing, staring at the stupid TV and wondering how i was going to go on by myself.  I’ve traveled every emotion from numbness to being angry to being incredibly sad to wishing j and i’d done soooo much more together.  I don’t think that either of us knew just how short his time was here.

I have bills to pay and decisions to make of where i’m going to live…but i’m not ready to do that just yet.  I don’t want to even move his clothes out of his closet…i can still open the closet door and put my face into his shirts and just smell him.

I’m soooo thankful that he’s not in pain any more.  But every part of me aches from missing him.

When Bailey was here last week, she came and sat in the computer room with me and said, "I mad when i come here now."

I asked why.

"’Cause Papa not here no more cause he died."

Anthony overheard her and said to me, "She really means she’s sad."

She turned around, looked directly at him and said, "No, i ANGRY."

I understand, baby…me, too sometimes…